


Deception

by Silverlightning



Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-05-13 19:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5715124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverlightning/pseuds/Silverlightning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <a href="http://postimage.org/"></a>
    <img/>
  
  <br/>
  <a href="http://postimage.org/">forum image hosting</a>
</p>
<p>Tokio Hotel is at the height of their sucess, they are international rockstars. No one knows that everything is built on a lie. But what if over time the lie becomes much more appealing than the truth? Is there a way for Bill and Tom to untangle themselves from the web of lies they created to find the truth?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Bravo magazine: ”Bill and Tom, your twin connection is famous. Can you tell us an example for a situation clearly influenced by that connection?”  
The blond women with the cropped hair and stone washed jeans smiled as she crossed her legs, expectantly tapping a pen onto her notepad while her eyes never left the twins. Their twin connection was the number one favorite subject of the German media right after Bills supposedly hidden anorexia or the question if he was gay. Bill flashed one of his signature wide smiles at the women, knowing that it would charm her even though it was as fake as Pamela Anderson’s breasts.

Tom leaned closer to Bill, seemingly absent mindedly putting a hand on Bills arm. The smile on Bills face never faltered even though he cringed inwardly, the weight of his brother’s hand on his arm an unwelcome reminder of Tom’s presence.

“Well…sometimes we dream the same things. Its weired, but nice too.” Tom nodded and let his gaze travel down the well-shaped body of the women in front of him.

His smile wasn’t fake but just shy of being predatory. His tongue slipped out to toy with his lip ring, enjoying the flustered expression he had managed to bring to her face. It wasn’t a secret that the women liked him, even this one who he guessed was at least 10 years older than him. But a good body was a good body and Tom wouldn’t discriminate someone just based on their age. 

Bills jaw muscles clenched as he caught Toms gaze and meaningful glistening eyes. It took almost all his strength to relax them to look nice and approachable while he in reality wanted to puke right down in his brother’s lap. As Tom took the lead answering more questions Bill entertained that thought for a moment, smirking at the images he conjured up. It certainly would give the media something to talk about.

The rest of the interview passed in a blur of the usual questions and some jokes. Luckily the interviewer abandoned the subject of their twin connection rapidly, concerning herself more with Tom’s love life. She was obviously interested in that, judging by the way she leaned forward to convey as much of her cleavage as possible for Toms hungry eyes. Finally they were allowed to go and Bill saw out of the corner of his eyes how Tom winked at the women before leaving the stage. He just shook his head astonished by stupidity of those women.. Bill guessed that they didn’t deserve better than Tom, if they decided to take their brains off together with their panties. The women Tom dragged to the hotels for one night stands never got anything out of it but hurt and regret, they just didn’t realize it when Tom looked at them with his warm brown eyes charming them with his jokes and funny remarks.

Bill ignored the familiar nausea that settled into his stomach as he approached their room backstage. They had already taken the necessary photos and had just to gather their personal stuff before leaving. Bill hunched and allowed himself finally to let the smile fade that had covered his face all the way from the studio to their backstage room. You never knew who you would meet on the way and who would take a photo without asking.  
Tom brushed past him, bumping into his shoulder but didn’t look back to acknowledge Bills presence. After all the lights and cameras were off there was no need to pretend to be something they weren’t. Tom fetched himself a bottle of sparkling water slowly sipping the contents while letting his eyes roam the room. Gustav and Georg arrived after the twins busying themselves with packing their private belongings like the Ipods and some magazines into their bags. Bill stood frozen by the door, battling the emotions boiling inside of him. He wanted to run far away, as fast as he could and never look back at this hell he called life. He had sold his soul to the devil in form of a record company and he was paying the prize for it every single day of his existence.

Bill thought being famous was all he ever wanted, making music and finding an outlet for his artistic creativity. It was a dream almost impossible to achieve for four boys from Magdeburg. Sure they had talent but they lacked the connection in a business that had been flooded by nobodies that wanted to be famous. Everybody told them to abandon their dream until one day someone from a record label was at one of their village concerts and saw something in them. Their music was still rough, the lyrics childish and Bills style horrific but he saw that underneath all that was the potential for greatness.

The only problem was that the music scene in Germany didn’t need a regular teenage band, with a good sound but nothing else to them. If they wanted to make it they needed to stand out from the faceless crowd of talented but unknown musicians. Bills determination drove the four boys onwards, working hard to create what now was Tokio Hotel. Together with their manager David they created an image that mostly rested on Bills well styled shoulders. They created a dream for boys and girls, a person so perfect and beautiful that people held their breaths whenever he appeared. It was a well calculated strategy. In the beginning Bill didn’t mind, he had always been interested in fashion. But with that strategy came also the need to look perfect and be perfect every time others laid eyes on him. No trips down to the supermarket in worn out clothes and no make up. The times he was seen on camera with no make up were carefully calculated to make him seem approachable. They wanted people to stare at him in awe while he still was perceived as nice and easy to talk to like the boy next door. 

The door opened and the four boys looked up with tired eyes meeting the greeting of their manager David with small nods. Exhaustion was weighing them down and they were all more than ready for a quite evening at the hotel. 

“Boys we have a slight change of plans. There has gathered a large crowd outside and BRAVO wants you to sign some autographs before you go to the bus.” David looked around the room as if he was expecting some complain but the boys just sighed simultaniously. 

Complaining got them never anything else besides a pissed off David, which was something they all wanted to avoid. Even though David appeared calm and timid he had quite a temper when the boys didn’t follow his rules.

Bill let his eyes wander to the small window overlooking the parking lot at the back of the building. Snowflakes danced silently in the air, falling to the ground and melting right away. It was early November, too early for the snow to stay. Nonetheless it would be freezing outside and a gloomy feeling settled over Bill as he realized that he didn’t bring a jacket. From the hotel they were staying in they had climbed onboard the small minivan that brought them to their location from the garage. Bill didn’t expect that he would be forced to spend time outside. A jacket would have ruined todays outfit so he decided to leave the hotel wearing nothing but a short sleeved silk shirt.

“I don’t have a jacket,” he murmured quietly, not really expecting anyone to care. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw the G’s shrug and Tom taking the sharpie David extended to him.

“Well, you’ll live,” David said as the silence stretched. He turned around to give Bill a stern look before handing him the remaining sharpie.

“These fans out there have been waiting for hours in the cold so I think freezing a few minutes to sign their stuff is the least you can do,” David remarked, already halfway through the door, casting a last look at Bill.

Bill just bowed his head, feeling guilty for the fact that he even brought it up. He cared deeply about their fans, and meeting them was always the highlight of his otherwise troublesome and lonely days. For a couple of minutes he got the opportunity to talk to people who didn’t look at him with annoyance like David, muteness like the G’s or disgust like Tom. Those people looked at him with love, something he hadn’t seen since their mum last visited. 

Bills grip on the sharpie tightened as he once again fought a wave of nausea which reminded him that he hadn’t eaten all day. From the moment he stepped out of their room into the corridor to follow David a smile was plastered on his face again. Sometimes his jaw muscles ached from all the fake smiling he had to do. But David never failed to remind him that this was just a small price to pay for their success and rockstar status. The list of things Bill sacrificed in order to maintain their success was in reality much longer, signing autographs for an hour in the freezing cold without a jacket was just a small aspect of it.

A sad smile flickered over Bills face when he turned to look at Tom, who had one of the big sweaters he used to wear and a warm jacket in addition. The truth was not that it bothered Bill to freeze or even get a cold. Just the fact that no one cared about it was painful. He was tempted to ask if he could borrow Tom’s sweater or the jacket but he knew already the answer. In a way it was easier to pretend that Tom would have given him the jacket if he had asked instead of facing the harsh reality that his brother couldn’t care less if he was freezing.

Bills mind wandered to an interview they had given a couple of months ago were Tom told the interviewer how he always took care of Bill when they were on tour; for example fetching him a sweater if he was cold. He remembered that he was astonished by Tom’s creativity in inventing lie after lie without even flinching. Truth was Bill didn’t even remember the last time Tom did something nice for him when the cameras weren’t on. When the cameras rolled he was the perfect big brother, kind, loving and caring. In those moments Bill felt like he was slowly bleeding out, Tom’s nice gestures much more hurtful then his mean words or roughhousing.

In front of the camera Bill got to see a glimpse of the relationship they could have had, the brother Tom could have been.

Bill didn’t remember much of the time when they were small but as long as he could remember he had had problems with Tom. At times their relationship was better, almost neutral and at times it was like the third world war. Bill didn’t dwell on why things were that way, he just accepted it and tried to handle it the best way he could. He spent as little time with Tom as possible, playing with the neighbor’s children or his friend Andreas who he met in school. The only thing that united them was their love for music and their determination to succeed in the music business. Rehearsal time was the only time when they never argued or bad mouthed each other. Music was simply too important.

When they met David he told them that they had to find something unique about them in order to capture the media’s attention, something that made them stand out from the crowd. Giving the fact that there weren’t too many twin brothers making music together he decided to exploit that fact for all what it was worth. 

One afternoon, sitting around the table in David’s office and sipping Cokes they invented their famous twin connection, their wonderful relationship. Tom was apprehensive at first given their less than good relationship but they finally all agreed on that lie. David made it very clear to them that he otherwise didn’t see a chance for them to make it in the music business. That day Bill sold his soul in exchange for fame, but he could never have imagined the ordeal that was waiting for him.

From that afternoon on they talked about their wonderful relationship whenever they got the chance, they displayed nothing but love and care for one another in front of the cameras. All his life Bill longed to have an older brother or sister and in the matter of one afternoon he got a big brother. Not really of course, but the amount of time they spent in front of cameras extended which meant that they had to act according to their roles more often and for longer periods of time. When it became necessary to hire security David made it clear that the staff could never know that everything was just a lie, it would be too easy to leak that to the press.

Nowadays they rarely spend time without security which limited the time they could be themselves. In the beginning Bill found it odd to touch Tom lovingly but in time he got used to it. All the lies piled on Bills slender back were heavy but he still tried to manage his everyday life. Things went hell shaped when he started to forget that the way he and Tom interacted was just an act. Days could go by without the possibility to be alone and Bill was totally caught off guard by a mean comment by Tom when they finally were. It was so easy for him to ignore the truth and life the lie instead. The lie was beautiful and the truth ugly.

As time progressed it felt like Bill played a role whenever they were alone, caring about Tom more than he liked to admit to himself. Not Tom his actual brother but the fantasy big brother Tom who they had invented for the media. Their lies had also isolated them, which left Bill with no one to talk to. The painful thing was that not even his mother knew the truth; she just assumed their relationship got better over time. They never corrected her, afraid that she wouldn’t allow them to play such a charade.

The fantasy they created for the press and everyone around them was so beautiful and addictive. Bill who never questioned their relationship started to long for Tom whenever the cameras were off. He knew deep down that it was a dangerous mind game but far too often he pretended that the lie didn’t exist. When everything was overwhelming and it felt like the weight of their pressured lifes was about to crush him Bill seeked comfort by turning to his brother, of course only if staff was around or cameras on them. That way he manipulated Tom into comforting him with empty words and hollow touches. Even though it was an act all along it was the better alternative. The alternative was a brother who ignored him at best, or was annoyed with his general existence. Bandmates who were their friends but far too often chose to stay on the sidelines in order to not get in between the twins. 

Openly Georg and Gustav never took sides in the many arguments the twins had but Bill felt that they always supported Tom more. It made sense because they were his friends from the beginning and Tom asked them to start a band. Only after days of tears and begging Bill was allowed to join them as a singer. The reason was that Tom didn’t want to spend more time with him than necessary but Bill promised him he wouldn’t be a burden that he wouldn’t try to impose himself when he wasn’t wanted.

So he always came to rehearsals but when the G’s stayed for some video games Bill would go back to his room, honoring the agreement he had with Tom. Naturally he didn’t form a bond with them like Tom did. Even now they all spend time together publically but Bill was never invited to go out with them or join them for a movie night. Most nights that weren’t dedicated to work Bill spent watching TV alone in his room and writing lyrics, the only thing that kept him from going crazy.

Bills stream of thoughts was interrupted by a cold wind sweeping into the corridor, making him shiver instantly. David had reached the door and was leading them outside. Ear piercing screams were heard as well as the loud voices of the security telling people to stay behind the lines. Bill stepped outside and the first real smile appeared on his face. There were hundreds of boys and girls screaming their name, holding posters and handmade signs declaring their love. That’s when autopilot kicked in and Bill moved down the line of fans, making small talk, smiling and laughing. He felt the blistering cold numb his fingers, the skin on his arms turned from red to almost blue. 45 minutes later he was barely able to hold the sharpie anymore, but tried to ignore the pain. He wanted to be professional, not for David or the band but the fans. The thought that he made so many people happy today brightened up Bills mood considerably.

At the far end of the line a mother stood with two younger children maybe seven or eight years old. They were clad in matching blue overalls, Bill guessed they were brothers. Bill crouched down beside them, bringing himself to eye level with the children who giggled excitedly. They held a poster of the band.

“Hi guys, whats your name? Do you want me to sign this?” Bill asked friendly, pointing at the poster they were holding with their small hands.  
“Yes please,” the older one replied seriously and gave the poster to Bill. “That’s my little brother Jan, he is your biggest fan” he continued, smiling proudly at the younger one.

“Really? Oh that is so nice!” Bill exclaimed, clapping his hands like he always did when he was excited. He signed the poster with a greeting for Jan and his name.

“You do not have much clothes on, aren’t you cold?” the younger one asked shyly, not meeting Bills eyes. Bill laughed at the expression on the younger ones face, forgetting about his pain for a moment, totally enchanted by the boys cuteness.

“Yes that’s true, you know I am bit forgetful sometimes so I just didn’t bring a jacket. Really stupid right?” Bill smiled at the boys slowly bringing him back to an upright position.

“Why doesn’t your brother give you one of his? I wouldn’t let Jan freeze,” the older boy said pointing at Tom who suddenly appeared by his side.

Tom must have heard the comment because he turned and cast a look at the boys and Bill. Bill bit his lips for a second, struggling to ignore the pain in his heart that exceeded the pain on his arms and fingers by far. It is really like they say: children and drunken people tell always the truth. But if it really was so easy to spot that Tom didn’t care about him than they would be forced to work on their act.

“It’s good that you take care of your younger brother, I am sure he needs you very much.” Bill petted the older boy on the shoulder, not answering his question. Bill could feel Toms gaze burning holes in his back but tried to ignore it.

“Bill!” Tom whispered but he chose to ignore even that and made his way to the waiting car with the invitingly opened door. Warmth was all Bill could think about as he moved faster and faster, signing autographs like a robot. When he finally was able to climb into the van already populated by the G’s and their security entourage Bill couldn’t help but wince at the burning sensation when warm air hit his ice cold skin.

Bill settled into the seat in the back by the window, as far away from anyone in the van as he could get. He was in pain and exhausted, not in the mood for forced small talk. But he had only a couple of seconds of peace before Tom entered the van, stopped to look around and chose to take the seat beside Bill. Bill lifted one perfectly manicured eyebrow indicating his surprise.

“Why didn’t you wait up for fucks sake?” Tom murmured, the words irritated but the sound of Toms voice held something else than irritation but Bill couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

Bill just shrugged, not knowing what to respond because he hadn’t the energy to figure out what Tom was referring to and why he wanted him to wait up. Over the course of years Bill had learned that no matter how hard he tried to do everything right, Bill hardly ever succeeded in his brothers eyes. Just one more thing he did wrong according to Tom. Bill was certain Tom would find a couple of other things until the day were over.  
Bill looked up as all of a sudden warmth and Toms smell enveloped him. Tom had put his sweater around him, tugging at the arms so that Bill was completely covered by the huge thing. Bill closed his eyes for a moment, relishing the way like it almost felt like being hugged by Tom. His fast pulse slowed down, relaxation washing over him and calming his nerves. Despite the logical knowledge that Tom probably did this because he didn’t want to raise suspicion Bills body had long ago started to believe the lie.

The car started and the rocking motions it made soothed Bill into a light slumber, unconciously seeking closeness to his brother who unnoticed by Bill and all the others wrapped an arm around Bills slender frame.


	2. Chapter 2

Bill was dragged out of his slumber by a tugging on his shoulders. He opened his eyes slowly, blinking rapidly to get the world in focus. Instead his vision stayed blurry and dizziness settled over him that made his head spin. He saw his brothers face close to his, Toms mouth opening and closing apparently he was saying something. But Bills brain failed in transmitting the sound to his synapses and in the matter of moments his eyes closed again. Bill tried to stay in the state between waking and sleeping as long as he could, scooting closer to the source of warmth and comfort besides him. Bill felt exhausted but in his dreamlike state he felt also safe, lured by familiar sounds and smells. Unconsciously he pressed his face against his brother’s chest, wrapping his arms around Tom’s neck. It was warm and comfortable, like being hugged by a cloud. A couple of minutes later Bill woke up again, this time abrupt by a voice yelling something.

It took a couple of seconds for Bill to realize where he was and what he was doing. His heartbeat doubled chocked by the fact that he was hugging his brother tightly. There was no one else with them in the van and Bills heart sunk. He swallowed around the lump in his throat trying not to be washed over by anxiety as he imagined the trouble he was in. Tom didn’t say anything and that was never a good sign. Even though Bill hated Toms temper, the screaming and yelling, icing cold hate was much worse.

Slowly Bill moved his head, looking up at his brother. Tom looked down at him with a neutral expression; his features didn’t convey any of the thoughts that ran through his mind.

“Are you ready to go?” Tom asked, pointing at some of their security entourage waiting outside the vehicle. 

They were probably the source of the noise that woke Bill up, someone yelling that they should hurry up before some paparazzi’s showed up.  
Bill nodded slowly, feeling exposed and vulnerable like a new born baby. The door to the car was still closed and they were shielded from the eyes of everyone by tinted windows. All of a sudden Bill didn’t want to go; he was dizzy and already missed the comfort of Tom’s body. Tom didn’t look impatient; he studied Bills face calm but intensely. Bill felt naked under Toms gaze; as if Tom could see past every wall Bill had built right inside his lonely heart. Before he could second guess himself Bill extended a hand, taking Toms big one into his. Toms hand was rough, countless callouses from playing the guitar on his fingers and palm. Strong hands, used to carry heavy instruments and play them for long hours.

“Thank you,” Bill whispered, not knowing for what he was thanking Tom exactly. Maybe for the comfort he gave him on the ride home or for not biting Bills head off for cuddling him so shamelessly.

A small smile tugged at the corner of Tom’s mouth, lifting them upwards into one of his smirks. The ones the media and even Bill rarely got to see the ones he reserved for Georg or their mother. Bill knew that he was mistaken but he almost thought he saw warmth shimmer in the depths of Toms identical brown eyes.

“I wish we could stay,” Bill murmured to himself as Tom opened the car door. He must have heard Bills words because Tom turned around again, facing Bill with one leg already out of the car. His expression changed slightly until he almost looked sad.

“we can do whatever you want, you just have to ask.” Tom turned around and stepped out of the car leaving a puzzled Bill behind.

Bill had no idea what Tom meant with that comment which stood in clear contrast to his usual behavior when they were not forced to act sibling harmony. Bill was sure that the comment was a real one with the staff being hundreds of meters away. Nobody heard it but Bill; it was something Tom had said for his ears only. Bill watched Tom join the security at the stairwell leading up to the main entrance of the hotel. Tom shuffled more than he walked due to the oversize pants he insisted on wearing. In Bills mind those pants were a terrible fashion choice and he had complained more than once how embarrassing it was to have a brother who clad himself like a wannabe gangster. Right now however he almost found it adoring. Bill shook his head to get rid of unwelcomed thoughts. He knew that he had to try to stop caring about Tom if he didn’t want his heart cut out and thrown away.

Bill followed the others up the stairwell and into the main lobby, taking a deep breath of relief when he couldn’t spot any paparazzi’s lurking about in the shadows of the hotels main entrance. It never took more than a couple of hours until the fans and the media found out at which hotel the band was staying. After the information had leaked there was no more dining at the hotel restaurant or using the hotels spa facilities. They boys had to stay cooped up in their suites, ordering room service and looking longingly out of the windows that couldn’t be opened. But they never saw anything else of the cities they were staying in than parking lots crowded by hundreds of screaming fans. They thanked God a thousand times over for soundproof windows so that they could at least sleep.

An uneventful elevator ride later the boys arrived at their suits, silently opening the doors to each suite without as much as a goodbye. Long gone were the times when they had to share rooms and sleep only on tour busses. Bill missed those old times, even though back then he had always been forced to handle his brothers mean comments and bad temper. But at night when everything was quite Toms calm breathing soothed Bill into a deep and peaceful sleep. Nowadays Bill had trouble falling asleep no matter how exhausted he was. His thoughts just chased each other round and round, analyzing the day’s events, going through every painful detail over and over again. Logically Bill knew that this behavior didn’t lead to anything but pain, somehow he still hoped that he one day would find the key to Toms love or approval.

Bill entered his suite, spotting several things that told him that housekeeping was already done with their rounds for the night. The bedcovers were neatly folded aside and the fruit basket filled with fresh fruits. The day’s menu for the room service was placed on the mahogany desk next to his computer. His black leather journal was still untouched on the nightstand beside the bed and his clothes had been picked up from the floor and put on one of the chairs. Bill planned on ordering a sandwich from the kitchen, eating it in front of an episode of friends while writing some lyrics. He hoped that he would be able to sleep after that, the exhaustion still felt like tar was running through his veins instead of blood. Before he decided on what sandwich to order he rummaged through his Dior back in a futile effort to find his headphones. Bill remembered clearly that he listened to some music before the interview so he figured that they had to be in his bag. A couple of minutes later the contents of the bag were emptied onto the floor, lip balm, a phone and cigarettes in a pile together with sunglasses and chewing gum. Bill sighed and rubbed his temples, the room spun around him and he was tired to his bones. Nonetheless he knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep without music, he never could. 

Thinking back onto the last minutes in their dressing room at BRAVO Bill remembered that Gustav and Georg had been busy packing their stuff into bags; maybe they had confused his headphones with a pair of theirs. Bill had no choice but to go and ask them. He stepped into the hallway only wearing pj pants and faded shirt. The door closed behind him with a thud and Bill greeted the two men belonging to their security entourage guarding the hallway in front of their rooms. He was on his way to Georg’s suite as one of the guys demanded his attention.

“Excuse me Mr. Kaulitz but the others are all at Toms right now,” he pointed at the door at the opposite end of the hallways, the one that belonged to Tom.

“Oh right, I…erm…forgot” Bill murmured, hoping that it wouldn’t strike the staff as to odd that all of the others were gathered but he didn’t know anything about it. He fired a bright smile before turning around and approaching the door to Tom’s suite. He paused a second looking at the dark wood with the number 483. Bill decided to leave the fake smile one, hopefully bright enough to never let the others know how lonely he was and how much he wished that he could be accepted by them. Bill knocked cautiously, the sound echoing inside the room. The laughter and voices that had drifted through the door stopped and he could hear footsteps approach.

Tom opened the door, he looked at Bill and then down the hallway noticing the presence of the security.

“Come on in,” Tom said and held the door at a welcoming wide angle.

As soon as Bill entered the room it became harder to keep the forced smile. His eyes roamed the room taking in the scenery. The G’s sat on the sofa, each of them holding a controller in their hands on which they furiously pushed buttons. The smell of pizza lingered in the air, coming from a large half eaten family sized pizza in the middle of the coffee table. Cans of coke stood on nearly every surface and music was playing in the background. Bill had just walked in on one of their gaming nights which he of course hadn’t been invited to.  
Bill ignored his rumbling stomach, woken up by the delicious smell. He could order a pizza as well when he got back but deep down he knew he wouldn’t. He rarely ate anything else than sandwiches, mostly because felt even lonelier when he had a proper dinner by himself.

“Has someone of you seen my headphones? I can’t find them I thought maybe you have packed them in one of your bags this afternoon?” He looked around and Gustav nodded slowly.

“The green ones are yours, right? Sorry I think I packed them accidently. They are in my bag, the black one by the window. Tom, can you fetch them? I can’t pause this fight or else Georg will kick my ass again.” He gestured pointedly at Georg and then the TV where two manga characters had a fight with swords.

Tom shrugged and approached the window, searching for the headphones while Bill waited by the door. Seconds later he held them above his head triumphantly, smiling as he walked towards Bill.

“Here you go,” he said, putting them into Bills hands.

Bill looked down on the floor, battling the wish to just ask if he could stay, maybe just a little while. He knew he couldn’t do that because he had promised Tom he wouldn’t go on his nerves more than necessary and staying made things only worse. If he spent the evening here all the other evenings would feel even lonelier and scarier after that. The carpet underneath his feat felt plush and Bill wished he could just lie down and act dead.

The silence stretched, just interrupted by the clicking of buttons and a grunting noise from one of the G’s whenever their character got hit. Bill took a deep breath, ready to leave. He had already stayed a couple of uncomfortable minutes to long. Clearly he wasn’t wanted here or otherwise someone would have asked if he could stay by now. Bill had no strength left to keep his smile and it faded into a sad expression. He kept his head down, hoping his brother wouldn’t see the hurt and the longing in his eyes.

Bill turned slowly around whispering an almost inaudible thank you. A hand on his shoulder prevented him from taking another step.

“Why don’t you stay with us for a while? We have pizza,” Tom gestured towards the coffee table, covered in food and beverages.

Bill looked down at his hands for a moment thinking over the offer. He didn’t know why Tom all of a sudden acted so nice towards him, the whole day felt off. Bill was afraid that staying today would put him in trouble later on. Toms smile was so inviting and the longing for company so strong that Bill hadn’t the strength to decline. He nodded slowly; barely able to control the tears welling up in his eyes. Bill wanted to stay; he wanted to have a good relationship to his twin and a friendship with his bandmates, so he followed Tom and sat down on a comfortable looking chair next to the sofa.

Bill took one of the red napkins and fetched himself a dripping slice of pizza, cautiously biting small pieces of it to not burn himself or feel ill. Curled up in a soft chair Bill felt a slither of happiness, something he hadn’t experienced in a while. He watched the G’s bicker about the video game and who kicked more ass and Tom stuffing his face in his usual disgusting way of eating disregarding anything that was called table manners. Warmth spread through Bill and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the people around him, almost like a starving man looks at a rich plate of food. Bill wanted to imprint this moment into his memory so that he could revisit it when he felt scared and lonely. After having finished two slices Bill felt satisfied and he slowly drifted into a light slumber, his breathing calm and regular, heavy eyes blinking tiredly. The voices and sounds around him soothed him so that he could fall asleep undisturbed by his haunting thoughts and demons.

Warmth enveloped him as Bill opened his eyes. The light in the room had shifted, indicating that he had slept a while, darkness flooding into the room only illuminated by a small lamp. As Bills memory reassembled itself he looked surprised down at the bed underneath him. In his last memory he was curled up on a chair listening to the G’s playing video games. Bill was covered with a warm blanket that smelled faintly of starch. Bill turned around just to have his face full of dreads. Next to Bill on his belly sound asleep was Tom, his dreads spread out all over the pillow. A light snore erupted from somewhere under the dreads and Bill couldn’t help but giggle. Tom had always resented the idea that he snored and he gave Bill hell a couple of times for bringing it up.

“What?” the snoring stopped and a wide eyed Tom stared at Bill, his chest rising and falling in fast breaths. “Gosh you scared me.” Tom shook his head and yawned.

“Why are you awake?” Tom asked, stifling another yawn and rubbing his temples.

“Why am I in the bed?” Bill asked instead of answering Toms question. He didn’t knew what had woken him up anyways, probably Toms snoring but Bill wasn’t so stupid that he would say that aloud.

Tom shifted his position, now lying flat on his back staring at the ceiling above them.

“You fell asleep and nothing could wake you up. The chair looked so uncomfortable so I took you to bed.”

“You carried me?” Bill asked, surprise coloring his voice. What an odd day, of all the things that could have happened that Tom would carry him to his bed and let him sleep there definitely wasn’t something Bill could have imagined.

“Thank you!” Bill whispered, getting nothing in response but a low grunt indicating that Tom was about to fall back asleep.

Bill cautiously waited a couple of minutes until Tom was sound asleep again before he scooted closer to his brother’s warm body. Their skin didn’t touch but Bill could still feel Toms warmth besides him and he closed his eyes as well, content with being close to Tom. Before he drifted off to sleep Bill tried to convince himself to not let his guards down, that this evening was a onetime occurrence because Tom had had a good day. It was so difficult to think that the boy next to him with the calm expression and beautiful features was the source of so much hurt and pain.

Bill buried his face in his hands, unable to distinguish what was fantasy Tom and what was the real Tom. They had gone so far in this game that he couldn’t even tell anymore and he wasn’t sure Tom could either. What if their lie had invaded Tom as well?  
Bill wanted so desperately to have this wonderful relationship to Tom. But even if they made an effort assuming Tom would be willing to, wouldn’t it be like building a house on sand? Bound to cave in at the slightest problems. Who was the real Tom?

Bill still contemplated that question when he sat down in Davids suite to have breakfast together with the others and a briefing on todays task. He had woken up to an empty room, Toms smell still lingering on the pillow next to Bill. 

Bill found it odd that Tom was out and about before him, neither of them were morning people and they always slept as long as they could. Apparently not this morning because the fresh scent of soap from the bathroom told Bill that Tom had already showered. Bill waited for a couple of minutes in case Tom came back and he would have the chance to talk to him alone. He eventually gave up and prepared himself for a day full of radio interviews. At least he didn’t need to put a heavy make up on because there would be no TV appearances.  
Bill listened absent mindedly to David who went through the day’s appointments. He tried to catch Toms glance but his brother never looked at him or his direction.

“Earth to Bill, would you please pay attention?” David sounded annoyed, probably because he had tried to get Bills attention a couple of times already. Bill rubbed his temples and looked up at his manager, or as he liked to call him, the gatekeeper of hell.

“Sorry what were you saying?” Bill smiled friendly to smooth over his lack of focus. He could tell right away by David’s frown that the man was frustrated.

David sighed and just by this he made Bill feel anxious. Maybe it would have been different if Bill had someone to back him up, someone who would take his side when it came to an argument. As it was Bill had no one, which made him often the target for David’s temper. Their manager was much more forgiving when it came to slip ups by his bandmates, a luxury Bill hadn’t been granted since they started.

“I asked if you intent to go to our appointments like that.” David gestured up and down Bills body, clad in a regular pair of jeans and a black shirt, a single chain around his neck.

“Why not? It’s a radio interview isn’t it?” Bill sounded bitchier than he intended to but he felt defensive. He didn’t look spectacular but he didn’t look bad either, just normal.

“Well that doesn’t mean you can look like shit. People expect you to be flawless so would you please change and put some make up on.” David shook his head like he was talking to a retarded five year old and made a note on a paper he was holding.

Bill felt crushed, all the happiness and calm from yesterday’s evening washed away by their managers mean words and lack of help from the others. Bill knew that to them he was nothing but a doll they could present to the world like a trophy. Nobody wanted to know how he felt and what his opinion was, he just had to follow the wishes of the strangers that ruled his miserable life.

Bill struggled to keep his breakfast, the few bites of toast he had, down and his tears at bay. The truth was that Bill always had issues with his self-image, one of the reasons why he so desperately wanted to reinvent himself. Years of being called a freak by jealous peers made him wonder if the only way he could be considered beautiful was when he put make up on and had a great hairstyle and cool clothes. The way David acted confirmed that image he had of himself, utterly convinced that he was ugly and had to do everything to hide it.  
For a moment Bill granted himself the luxury to imagine how his big brother fantasy Tom would have reacted if he were real. He would have told David not to speak like that to his little brother and said that Bill looked good the way he was. The silence lingering in the room told Bill that the reality was once again disappointing. The real Tom chewed his breakfast with a neutral expression, nothing indicated that he cared about the ongoing discussion or that he wanted to get involved in it. The G’s were silently discussing some football results, paying zero attention to what was being said.

Bill wondered if he just read too much into yesterday’s friendly gestures, maybe Tom didn’t mean anything by it. Just as Bill was about to leave the table he felt a warm hand closing around his cold one, squeezing it softly. Bill looked up in surprise but Tom’s expression didn’t change and nobody noticed his gesture.

Who was Tom? What was real?


	3. Chapter 3

Bill stared out of the car window, rain was splashing down and the people outside were hurrying to get somewhere dry. The trees swayed victims for the heavy wind that was sweeping through the streets. Bill loved to watch people go about their everyday life’s, grocery shopping like the elderly women with the two bags in her hands or meeting friends for coffee like the girls sitting by the window in the café they just passed, talking and sipping a cappuccino. Bill was the silent observer, cut off from the life that was going on around him. He would have never thought that he one day would long for simple things like going to the drugstore or buying some candy himself for a movie night with friends.  
Bill was still wearing the same shirt and jeans he had when he got lectured by David. He had been on his way to change his clothes and make up when Tom stopped him in the hallway. All the others had already left for the garage, they were alone, something that didn’t happen too often. 

“Don’t change your clothes. David is an asshole” Tom had said, looking serious. Bill felt torn between the longing to change his clothes to get David’s approval and the wish to be rebellious and stand up to their manager. Bills struggle must have shown on his face because Tom had asked him what the worst thing was that could happen.

“If you don’t show up for the interviews or if you are not cooperating by not answering questions, who do you think has to fix the mess? David’s ass in on the line here as well even if he likes to pretend otherwise.” Tom had said, his hands shoved down the pockets of his jeans and a mischievous grin had appeared on his face.

Bill had been surprised; he had always thought that he was the only one bothered by the way David bossed them around. Tom’s words gave him the strength to disobey David’s orders. They both went down to the waiting car and with Tom right next to him, knowing his brother was on his side in this matter, Bills nerves calmed down considerably.

The moment David saw Bill was priceless, his face frozen in an expression of surprise and anger. It had been a little funny, and Tom’s low giggle confirmed that Bill was not the only one thinking that.

“Bill, what the hell? Why are your clothes not changed?” David yelled, approaching Bill in fast strides from the opposite end of the garage where had been standing briefing the security.

Bills heart started to beat faster in his chest but he convinced himself to stand his ground on this matter even if David was intimidating.

“Because I didn’t want to change them, that’s why,” Bill answered as snotty and arrogant as he could muster with his raging pulse.

“You little brat…” David spat, reaching out for Bills arm in an aggressive way but he never touched Bill because he was stopped by Tom shielding Bill with his body.

“Don’t you dare touch him, don’t you dare!” Tom growled lowly, the threat obvious in his hostile tone.

David haltered in his step, looking puzzled back and forth between the twins who were acting so odd.

“Tom, you can drop the act, no need to pretend to be a big brother, the staff is already in the car,” he pointed to the vacant spot there a couple of seconds ago their staff had been. They all knew better than to stick around when David was angry.  
David’s words hit Bill right in the heart, right at his sore spot, like rubbing salt into an oozing and bleeding wound. Tears blurred his vision and his breathing became erratic.

“You can stop your hideous mind games you thug. I do not act to be Bills big brother I AM his big brother and as such I warn you, if you touch him I break your hand!”

For an outside observer this scene might have looked amusing, two teenagers one clad like a gangster having words with an adult. But somehow the power shifted and David took Toms words seriously. Maybe because he could read in Toms eyes that he wouldn’t hesitate a second to make his threat real or because David was too confused by the sudden change of roles in their constellation but he just turned around and climbed into the car.

Bill stood wide eyed, glued to the spot, caught in total surprise by Tom’s behavior and the things he had said. Tom just took Bills trembling fingers, squeezing them softly.

“I refuse to play along his mind games. This-“ he gestured to the air between their bodies, “-is up to us. WE decide what our relationship should be like. I am tired of this shit, tired of fighting you, tired of pretending and seeing you sad.” With this words he dragged Bill towards the car, the engine was already running.

David muttered insults all the way to the studio, he yelled twice at the driver for driving too slow. He glanced back at the twins several times, but shook his head without saying anything every time. The G’s seemed confused by what was going on, neither one of them had heard the argument between David and the twins so they all assumed it was the twins again that were fighting.

“Guys, what’s going on?” Georg whispered, his brows furrowed, a worried look edged onto his features.

Silently Bill was asking the same question but didn’t utter a word in response to Georg’s inquiry. He was highly confused, felt like he was on drugs with a weird mixture of happiness, fright and anxiety.

“David behaved badly towards Bill, I told him to fuck off or he would regret it.” Tom’s whispers were barely audible, afraid that David in the front seat would overhear their conversation. The driver had turned on the radio so there was no risk to be overheard by either David or their security.

“Do you have a deathwish or something?” Georg exclaimed, his hands thrown into the air. They all knew that David could make their lifes hell if he wanted to.

Gustav took a look around the car before he answered, once again checking the privacy of their conversation.

“so you protected Bill does that mean you are finally getting along better?” Gustav looked back and forth between the twins, two boys who both looked embarrassed down on their hands, fidgeting with the hems of their clothes.

Even though they rarely admit it but at times like this it was so obvious that they were twins. During the years they developed a way of moving very similar to each other and some gestures were just purely the same. The G’s often teased them about it.

“Mmmm,” Tom agreed as noncommittal as possible. Bill looked up at his brother in confusion. Outside the car it had sounded like Tom wanted to fix things between them but now he didn’t sound so sure. Maybe he had second thoughts since the first day of them trying to better their relationship had already resulted in a fight with their manager.  
Sadness invaded Bill, seeping through him to his very core. He was about to turn back to the window when he felt a hand on his shoulder softly stroking over the thin fabric of his shirt.

“Yes I don’t want us to be enemies. It is just us thats why it is important that we don’t hurt each other”, Tom explained, petting Bills shoulder tenderly.

“That sounds good, but why the sudden change of mind? You guys haven’t been a picture of sibling harmony before.” Georg asked, still looking surprised and a little bit suspicious.  
The G’s knew the truth behind the lies David made them tell and Tom’s change of heart came as a surprise not just to Bill.

“Because I met someone who gave me good advice” Tom explained, his facial expression changing as if he felt uncomfortable talking about it.

“Who?” Bill interrupted, too curious to stay silent. If there was a person out there he had to thank for Toms change of attitude he wanted to know who it was.  
Six pairs of eyes stared intently at Tom whose cheeks colored in a shade of red.

“I won’t tell you guys because you’ll laugh and this is serious.” With that Tom took his Ipod out of his pocket and put his headphones in. The green ones which belonged to Bill.

“Eyyyyy those are mine!” Bill yelled, slapping Tom on the arm. He hated when people took his stuff without asking, especially Tom.

Tom took one of the earplugs out, extending it to Bill with a smile, unfazed by Bills outburst.

“We can share if you want,” he offered, looking hopeful and cute all at once so that Bill couldn’t refuse.Bill scooted closer to be in range of the earplug and rested his head on Toms shoulder, paying zero attention to the music playing in his right ear but listened to Toms heartbeat instead.

None of the boys pushed the matter further because they all knew that Toms temper could get really ugly when he felt pressured. All three of them sat in silence wondering who it might be that Tom had met and what the advice the person had given him could have been. The person must have been very convincing because Tom was stubborn and seldom changed his mind when he had formed an opinion about something.

For the G’s it was odd to look at the twins sitting in harmony side by side listening to music. They looked totally peaceful and calm. Maybe this was what they needed to survive this business and the endless pressure they all were under. It would make things easier even for the G’s to not be caught in an ongoing war that nobody understood the reason behind.

Far too soon for Bills liking the car ride was over and they had to get ready for the interviews. They were ushered into a large glass building in which several radio stations were located. The appointments had been kept a secret to avoid any mass hysteria by waiting fans. They all took a sigh of relief as they saw that the parking lot next to the building was empty, as well as the main entrance. They were welcomed by pretty brown haired women who showed them the way to their dressing room. There they would be able to rest between the appointments and eat lunch.

The hallway they passed through was empty and their hostess pointed at a white door with their name on it. She also explained that she would be responsible for their wellbeing, guiding them to appointments and fetching everything they might need. Bill frowned involuntarily remembering the BRAVO interview and Toms shameless flirting. Tom could do whatever he wanted and Bill wasn’t even sure why he cared so much. He just didn’t approve of Tom’s lifestyle choices and he didn’t approve of Toms lack of respect when it came to the female gender.

Bill believed in true love and he hoped he would find his soulmate one day even though he rationally knew that it would be difficult with their secluded and guarded lives. Bill entered the room, pleased that it was spacious with a big cream leather sofa and several comfortable looking chairs matching the orange cushions on the sofa. In one corner of the room was a black dining room table with ten chairs. The room held also a small kitchen, with fridge and espresso maker. Everything looked very modern and comfortable. A stack of different magazines was neatly piled on the coffee table.

Bill dumped his bag and jacket mindlessly on the grey carpet, almost instantly curling up into one corner of the sofa. He fetched one of the fashion magazines and started to flip the pages. He tried to distract himself to not see Toms flirting and hideous behavior. The women whose name was Sara told them they had 30 minutes before they needed to get ready. To Bills surprise Tom didn’t start a flirt he barely acknowledged the presence of the girl and let himself fall down on the soft sofa next to Bill.

“So you gonna tell me about that mysterious person?” Bill whispered, unheard by the others who were about to settle into the room and making coffee. 

Tom hunched his shoulders, again looking uncomfortable and embarrassed. This look spiked Bills curiosity even more so he kept probing when he realized he wouldn’t get an answer.  
“Tom, are you in love? Have you met someone?” Bill looked at Tom wide eyed, the thought was so foreign to him but it would make sense at the same time.

Bill didn’t like the idea one bit, mostly because if it was true it would mean Tom had told that girl their deepest and darkest secret, something that seemed very risky to Bill. The risk aside, Bill had hoped that Tom’s change of mind was due to the honest longing for a better relationship not because some girl told him to stop being an ass to his brother.

“You are a silly silly boy, little brother,” Tom laughed out loud, shaking his head in disbelief. “Of course I didn’t fall in love with a girl, you know me.”

Somehow that answer calmed Bill down considerably, a warm feeling spread through him and he couldn’t help but smile goofily at the fact that Tom had called him little brother voluntarily for the first time. He was almost prone to let the subject about the mysterious person go.

Tom had fetched himself a guitar magazine and Bill leaned over Toms shoulder pretending to look at the pictures with interest. Bill couldn’t care less about guitars of course but he craved the closeness to his brother. Somehow he felt like he had wandered the desert for weeks and finally arrived at an oasis and couldn’t stop drinking the delicious water he so much needed.

With every caring gesture from Tom some of the pain from the years prior was washed away. Bill knew that he probably should question Tom further and be more cautious about the positive turn their relationship had taken. He had no proof that Tom wouldn’t change back to the way he was and leave Bill to bleed and die. But still here he was, holding his brothers arm with his face pressed against Toms shoulder enjoying every second.

Bill had been so lonely and desperate; this kind of closeness was all he ever wanted. Tom hummed an off key tune under his breath, the sound echoing in the soft vibrations on his chest. Once in a while he flipped a page and Bill looked at the pictures and snippets of text. Tom chewed eagerly on his lip ring, a habit of his that showed that he was concentrated. His eyes followed the lines of text, silently moving his lips to repeat something he just read. Now and then Bill shifted his position and Tom looked down at him with a smile. Somehow Bill couldn’t believe that the Person he leaned onto was the same person who had said the most horrible things to him and hurt him countless times.

“Guys, your first interview is up any minute. Please quit the odd behavior you showed all morning and do your job!” David had entered the room and addressed them with an annoyed expression and irritated tone. Behind him their hostess Sara entered the room, holding a clipboard and a pen.

“Please follow me, your first appointment is at Radio NRJ”, Sara gestured them to follow her and the boys scrambled to their feed, dropping the magazines and putting the cops of coffee aside. All of them were relieved that today’s appointments were radio interviews, there was much less pressure to be perfect because nobody but the host could actually see them.

Minutes later they sat across from a fifty year old man with a wild beard and futuristic looking glasses. His voice was deep and warm, sounding like a low rumble. He introduced the band to the listeners with a list of their hits and awards they had won. They started the interview off with some of the usual question like how they did come up with their name and what their favorite spots in Berlin were. No questions out of the ordinary were asked and they managed to the dodge a question about Bills eating habits.

“Don’t you worry I’ll make sure he eats proper food,” Tom said, putting a hand on Bills arm.

Even though they haven’t had the best relationship in the past it wasn’t a secret that Bill hated those questions about his body. He had always been thin but when he felt down he tend to forget to eat. The truth was he had eaten more these past couple of days then he had in a while.

“Sounds like you take care of your brother. Do you consider it a good thing to have your brother so close all the time or do you guys annoy each other? You are brothers after all.” The host laughed, probably thinking about his own siblings.

It was a good natured question and the host looked at them with curiosity. Like most people he was interested in their famous relationship. Bill looked down at his hands, folded in his lap fidgeting with one of his rings. The relationships between him and Tom felt so fragile, he hoped that Tom would come up with a good answer because Bill drew a blank.

“Bill doesn’t annoy me. He is-,” Tom paused, thinking a moment to find the right words. “He is special, so kind hearted. If someone is annoying then its me.”

Bill turned to Tom, his mouth open in surprise. Insecurity threatened to take over but before he could question if Tom meant this or just made it up, Tom pressed his leg against Bills under the table. They locked eyes for a moment and for the first time in years Bill was able to feel Tom inside of his heart, a connection he faintly remembered from when they were very small children before their relationship went downhill.

The room around him, with the G’s answering more questions faded away and the only thing Bill could feel was his brothers presence, like a part of his soul had returned to him.


	4. Chapter 4

Toms POV  
3 Months ago….

“So Tom, why are you here?” the women sitting in front of Tom looked curious, her fingers twined around her glasses which she had taken off as soon as they sat down. She was in her fifties, dressed in black pants and a cerise colored cardigan. She looked maternal, with her curves and warm smile.

Tom fidgeted in the brown leather chair he was sitting in, not able to find a comfortable position despite of the chairs softness and well shaped angles. He took a deep breath trying to find an answer to her question, an answer he knew he didn’t have. Luckily she didn’t pressure him but waited patiently, he warm gaze fixated on Toms face.

“I don’t know. I mean not really. I am fine, everything is fine, I am rockstar for God’s sake!” Tom exclaimed, his hands theatrically thrown into the air.

The carefully arched eyebrow of the women opposite him wasn’t needed to tell him that he was way out of line, trying to convince himself and this woman of something that didn’t even came near the truth. Tom took a deep breath and let his eyes roam the room he was sitting in. The room was dominated by a large maple desk on one side and chairs and a sofa on the opposite end, where they were currently sitting. A carafe filled with sparkling water and two glasses stood on the low table, glasses neither one of them had touched since they were filled.

“No one knows that I am here, you aren’t allowed to talk to anyone right?” He inquired instead of answering her previous question.

The women nodded and folded her hands in her lap.

“Of course Mr. Kaulitz, as I told you before when you called me these sessions fall under patient confidentiality, which means I am not allowed to talk to anyone about them unless you give your approval.”

She explained these things to Tom the second time but her voice didn’t convey any impatience, she sounded calm and reassuring, setting Toms nerves a little at ease. If someone would find out that he was here all hell would break loose.  
Tom took a deep breath and kept his gaze firmly at one of the many frames hanging on the walls containing degrees of several universities, all assigned to Dr. Susanne Kircher, psychologist, graduated sum cum laude from the Heidelberg University. Tom had found her name on the internet as he googled for psychologists with practices in Berlin. He had done it several times before but always closed the browser after reading name after name, checking out homepage after homepage. Something about this woman had given him the strength to actually book an appointment, maybe because she reminded him of his mother.

Tom had to use all his imagination and wits to come up with a good explanation to why he needed to go to this part of Berlin. Thankfully Dr. Kircher had her office in one of the suburban parts in a villa that could as well be a normal residence. Tom told the security that he had met someone and wanted to meet her without anyone knowing about it. Which wasn’t actually a lie but he never corrected the man laughing and joking about his adventurous love life assuming he was about to meet a hot girl.

“I just feel so bad. All the time”, Tom whispered, his hands fisting the fabric of his oversized red sweatshirt. 

The familiar weight on his chest appeared again, making it almost impossible to breathe. He felt like the walls were closing in on him and he was on the edge of a crying. Tom had battled with the raging emotions for weeks, along with the insomnia and the anxiety attacks. In the end he had been so worn down that he reached out for help because he couldn’t help himself and didn’t dare to talk anyone about this. The G’s were his friends but he didn’t trust them to take this seriously, their manager was an asshole and their mother far away. And well Bill…he seemed to be the source of his discomfort or at least part of it.

“I know that sometimes the sadness people are experiencing seems like one compact entity, to large and overpowering to battle. But I want you to know that in reality this sadness consists of a hundred small and bigger feelings and events. I want you to take a moment and write down five things that you think are the source of your sadness. Take the ones that come to your mind first,” Dr. Kircher extended a notepad and a pen to him, smiling as he hesitantly reached for it.

At first Tom thought it wouldn’t be easy to come up with five things but in the matter of seconds he was scribbling frenetically, his pen making scratching noises as he pushed it down onto the paper way too harsh.

“Do you mind reading them to me?” Dr. Kircher asked after Tom stopped writing and looked up to meet her eyes.

Tom nodded, visibly swallowing around the lump in his throat.

“1. Being forced to pretend to love Bill 2. Treating Bill like shit and knowing I am the source of his tears; 3.Hating and fighting Bill 4. Loving Bill 5.Not knowing what is real.”

Tom stopped abruptly, his eyes slowly filling with desperate tears. In five short sentences he explained the mess that was his life and that slowly killed him.

“Tell me about Bill then,” Dr. Kircher asked tenderly, constantly making notes on her chart as Tom opened up and told her how they got into this mess. Her eyes never left his face even though she was writing and Tom felt oddly comforted by that.

For the first time he in years he told someone about his feelings and it wasn’t horrible as he expected it to be but liberating. Finally there was someone listening but not judging, someone that hopefully could help him to sort out his feelings and thoughts.

Present day…..

Tom looked out of the window remembering the first time he met Dr. Kircher. By the end of that first session he had been crying hot desperate tears, sobs tearing his insides apart barely concealed by the handkerchief he had been pressing to his mouth. They weight of their lies and pressure of their lifestyle had come crashing down on him.

He had gone on regular sessions whenever their tight schedule allowed it to escape for an hour or two. Their security staff kept their promise of silence about Toms car rides to the white villa in suburban Berlin.

Slowly he managed to work through the tangled and chaotic feelings and thoughts that were occupying him. Whenever he couldn’t sleep he wrote all his thoughts down in a brown journal Dr. Kircher had given him instead of dwelling on them. That way he could talk about these thoughts the next time they were meeting. Tom trusted his psychologist, mainly because she treated him like every other patient, calling him out on his bullshit several times. In her office he was just Tom, the boy that had a fucked up relationship to his twin, a fact that was slowly eating him alive.

After a couple of sessions they established that no matter what happened in the past that he wanted to have an honest and good relationship to Bill in the future. Every day he made baby steps towards that goal, but the whole thing proved to be very difficult without talking to Bill. In the beginning however Tom didn’t feel strong enough to have this conversation so he tried his best to do nice things for his brother.

The traffic outside the window was heavy, it was midday and the habitants were on their way to lunch or back to work. The band was still staying in the same hotel where they had rented the whole 6th floor for their own use. Why the management didn’t just rent an apartment was beyond Tom but he guessed that they got a huge discount for renting a whole floor plus extra publicity for the hotel. Tom was standing in his room, his brown leather journal in a tight grip in his right hand. The previous session Dr. Kircher asked him to tell her some childhood memories.

Together they discovered that all his memories were from the time he was nine years old and onwards, the time before was just like a black hole in his memories. Tom had never himself thought about the fact that he remembered so little but Dr. Kircher assured him that the regular person remembers scenes and events from their sixth birthday, some even earlier memories. His lack of childhood memories was very unusual to say the least. Somehow Dr. Kircher had been fascinated by the fact and raised the theory that he was somehow suppressing these earlier memories. Somehow she was convinced that this was the source of all his troubles.

Tom tried to come up with something while he wandered the room like a caged tiger. The room was a mess, housekeeping hadn’t been around yet because he still kept the “do not disturb” sign on his doorknob. He needed some privacy to gather his thoughts but the silence in the room seemed to crush him instead of helping him on his quest for childhood memories. When he couldn’t take it anymore he decided to look for Bill and ask him some questions about their childhood.

Tom left his room, greeted one of the men of their security entourage with a short wave of his hand and took three fast and wide steps to close the distance between his and Bills room. Bills room was on the opposite side of the hallway and Tom hurried up to knock before he could change his mind. Inside the room he heard sheets rustling and footsteps approaching. It took a couple of seconds before Bill opened the door, Tom was sure that he peeked through the hole first making sure nobody unwanted came knocking, even though that was highly unlikely with their security all over the hotel. The door swung slowly open, revealing his brother clad in what seemed to be Pj bottoms and a fading grey shirt. 

Bill looked like he hadn’t slept at all, the skin underneath his eyes seemed blue almost translucent. He had always been pale and thin but right now he looked thinner than before, the tight grey shirt barely hiding that he was just skin and bones. I made a mental note to ask him later if he wants to get dinner together.

“Tom?” He said, surprise coloring his voice and his eyebrows arched all the way up to his hairline.

It was true, Tom had not often made the effort to knock on Bills door. This was one more thing that made him sad and that he had to add to the growing list of the sources to Toms sadness.

“Can I come in?” Tom asked him in a whisper and as an answer Bill opened the door wider and stepped aside to let his brother in.

Bills room was a mess as well, various items of clothing covered the ground and almost every item of furniture. Jewelry and accessories were spread out on various surfaces and his laptop peeked up from underneath the sheets. Tom assumed that he had been lying in bed watching a movie when he came to disturb Bill.

“Are you alright? You look like you haven’t slept?” Tom directed his question at Bills hunched shoulders because he had already turned his back on him, taking more steps inside the room. Tom closed the door behind him with a thud, thankful for the momentary privacy this granted them.Bill turned around, opening and closing his mouth as if he wanted to say something but changed his mind in the process.

“What do you want?” He asked instead, his hands shoved down the pockets of his baggy pants with small stars on. His whole being displayed discomfort, probably because Tom used to hurt him whenever they got a chance to be alone in the past.

“I wanted to ask you something, it may seem a little odd though. What is the first thing you remember from our childhood?”

Curiosity appeared in the depths of Bills chestnut colored eyes. He stopped to think a moment before he went to the bed to sit down gingerly on the edge. 

”What an odd question…” Bill trailed off, chewing viciously on his bottom lip. Tom waited patiently, hoping that his brother would not try to dodge this question as well.

“Hmm I think we were about ten years old and we got those hideous itchy knitted sweaters from grandma and mum made us wear them the whole day.” Bill wrinkled his nose in disgust mirrored by a similar gesture by Tom, both remembering the warm and itchy fabric clinging to their bodies.

That Christmas they had been fighting more than usual, irritated by that impossible item of clothing and the looming presence of their father who seemed always annoyed with their general existence. It was the Christmas right before their parents got divorced.

“Yeah I think we were ten but something when we were younger, anything?” Tom had a hard time keeping the desperation out of his voice but he wasn’t doing a very good job at it because Bill looked at him puzzled, confusion shining in his eyes.  
After a couple of silent seconds Bill shook his head, the confusion in his eyes slowly getting replaced by unease.

“Nothing, just nothing. Is this normal?” Bill whispered, his eyes round like saucers’. He looked so innocent and childlike with the makeup free face and thin hunched shoulders.  
The sudden impulse of wanting to scoop Bill up in his arms and protect him surprised Tom. He was even more surprised by the familiarity of a feeling he knew for sure he hadn’t had too many times before. But he couldn’t dwell on the fact with Bills questioning eyes on him. He was the one asking strange questions so he was the one that owned his little brother a proper explanation.

“I don’t think so. My…” Tom paused, taking a deep breath to steady himself for the upcoming confession. “My psychologist thinks it is very odd that I don’t remember anything before the age of nine and as it seems neither do you.”

Tom waited, holding his breath for his brother’s reaction. He couldn’t imagine what it would be: laughter, surprise or chock. But Bill surprised him once more by petting his thigh reassuringly and looking him into the eyes, motioning for him to go on. If Tom had been surprised by how easy it was to talk to Dr. Kircher he didn’t even have the words to describe his emotions while talking to Bill. His brother’s hands never left his body, rested on his thigh or squeezed Toms hand as the stream of Toms words enveloped them. Their eyes stayed locked, Bills steady gaze led Tom onwards when he stumbled over the words and sentences. When everything was out in the open Toms hands trembled, he felt like a weight had been lifted of his shoulder.

One weight had been lifted from his shoulder another weight was added, a precious one, the weight of his little brothers head resting on his shoulders. Silence replaced the stream of words but a comfortable one. Now and then they could hear a car in the distance and some chatter from the security entourage outside their door. Inside however the twins stayed undisturbed, cooped up in their own world.


	5. Chapter 5

Dr. Kircher had a while ago made the suggestion that Tom could take Bill with him to one of their sessions, mainly because he had such a big part in Tom’s current state of emotions and she was plainly curious as she admitted to Tom. After he had told Bill about his therapy sessions it felt only natural to ask Bill to accompany him to one of his sessions. Bills reaction hadn’t been as positive as Tom would have liked it to be, Bill had been very reluctant to comply with this idea.

Tom had to accept that his psychologist was a stranger to Bill and he didn’t trust strangers, Bill didn’t trust anyone without sending them through hell first. Bills trust issues aside it had become a second nature to them to keep things a secrete so Tom wasn’t surprised that meeting a person who knew all about them seemed unsettling to his little brother. Tom was convinced that the scale tipped to his favor when he mentioned the non-existing memories once again. Bill had trust issues but he also was immensely curious. The curiosity won this time but Tom could see the signs of unease displayed all over Bills body in the seat next to him.

Once again they were driving through the busy city center of Berlin to slowly leave the heavy traffic and street lights behind them for narrow and calm streets and secluded villas with nice gardens. This time however Tom wasn’t alone with his security and the driver but had a nervous Bill right by his side nibbling on his otherwise well-manicured fingers. As just another nail broke Tom flinched and grabbed Bills hand, holding it in a tight grip.

“if you don’t stop we have to get you a new manicure on the way home or David is going to get a heart attack when he sees your nails.” Tom remarked, pointing at the destroyed nails, black scraped nail polish and broken tips.

Bill managed to look guilty for a moment before he proceeded to put the other hand into his mouth.

“Bill! That’s actually disgusting, stop it!” Tom ordered sternly, freaked out by the crunching sound the nails made when they broke and the general image of all the bacteria on Bills hands now on their way into his mouth. Tom shuddered and tried to think about something else, he had never been keen on dirt and putting things into his mouth, even as a child. The memory of Bills sticky hands still gave him the creeps.

Tom looked wide eyed at his brother who detected that something was up. Tom just realized that he remembered something, more a feeling than an actual visual memory. Bills sticky hand pressed into his: the discomfort of the stickiness and the reluctance to let go anyways.

“I think I just remembered something,” Tom murmured, trying to hold their conversation as private as humanly possible with two persons in the car with them.

Bill arched his brow in surprise and he grabbed Toms thigh, excitement taking over his features.  
“Really? What is it?” Bill asked and a smile appeared on his face as Tom told him the snippet of a memory he just experienced.

“Such a nice memory. I don’t have so many nice ones,” Bill looked out of the car window, not wanting to meet Tom’s eyes after that confession that touched so many sensitive spots.

Tom just nodded even though Bill couldn’t see him and stroke stray hair behind Bills ear.   
It was small gestures like these that Tom discovered had the best effect if he wanted to build a relationship to Bill. If he did grand gestures Bill often reacted suspicious, as if he was unsure if he could really believe Toms words or actions. Small gestures however, like fetching Bill a bottle of water or pet his shoulder proved to be the way to win Bills heart. Tom could see it in the light shining deep in Bills eyes and the wide smiles. Tom was beginning to crave those small rewards for his efforts, warmth spread through him whenever he touched Bill. 

The car came to a sudden standstill and as Tom looked out of the window he recognized the white villa with the white fence and the English garden, neatly mowed with just a few rose bushes here and there. After a while Tom learned that Dr. Kircher actually lived here with her husband, her practice being in the basement of the spacious villa. Tom opened the car door and frowned as he looked down at the ground. A huge puddle of mud was right below the car door and his feet, probably caused by the extensive rain the last couple of days. He hesitated but shrugged and jumped over the puddle in a not very gracious movement. On the other side of the car was a wall with wild wine clinging to it which prevented Bill from leaving the car through his own door.

Even Bill frowned displeased as he looked down at the puddle and up again, his eyes meeting Toms. Bill sighed and cast a fleeting glance at his new white Adidas sneakers, bought only a week ago. The shoes would be ruined if he jumped and accidently landed in the mud.

“Saki can you park the care elsewhere? There is mud here!” Bill complained, his voice reaching a low tone of whining, not unlike a child that wasn’t allowed to buy candy at the store.

Saki huffed and rolled his eyes, for his taste he had far too often to comply to wishes of these four spoiled teenagers. He took the car keys out of his pocket nevertheless, knowing that he really hadn’t a choice in that matter. Tom recognized that look on Sakis face and felt a little bad for their security guard. Driving them to this appointment wasn’t a part of his duties, just a favor he did for Tom. On top of that he kept it a secret from David, who was technically Sakis boss.

“Don’t worry Saki, I got it,” Tom put up his hands and gestured towards the car to stop the guard from starting the car engine again.

Tom approached the car, not minding that he had to step into the wet and slimy puddle in the process. His shoes would be ruined but they were worn out anyways, so it wasn’t a big loss. The cold dirty water wet his feet and Tom flinched at the sudden unwelcome sensation.

“Come on Bill, hop on and hold on, I’ll carry you!” Tom stated firmly, a little amused by the look of surprise on Bills face and the way he opened and closed his mouth like a fish on land. 

Bills cheeks colored in a shade of light pink, telling Tom that Bill found this situation probably uncomfortable. Tom wasn’t planning on letting Bills obvious embarrassment change his plans and he gestured towards his brother, indicating he should hurry up. Gingerly Bill approached the edge of the car, close enough for Tom to wrap his arms around Bills slender frame, his hands folded under Bills petit butt. Before he lifted Bill out of the car he clearly saw the color on Bills cheeks deepen in a shade of crimson before Bills face disappeared from his view because his brother had buried his face on Toms shoulders, his legs securely wrapped around Toms middle.

Suddenly feeling a bit silly Tom spun around, almost jumping on the secure and mud free lawn. Bill was light as a feather and he giggled excitedly at Tom’s cheekiness. Another memory surfaced right then, a young Bill sitting on a swing giggling in pure bliss whenever Tom pushed the swing forward. The memory didn’t last longer than two seconds, but Tom was sure that it was a real memory of something he had experienced. This time however he just smiled to himself and put his brother down. He could bring up the fact that he was starting to remember things when they met with Dr. Kircher who for sure could interpret that mysterious circumstance.

Tom didn’t give Bill time to adjust or comment on the situation. He just walked down the pathway of grey stones leading to the blue front door. The first time Tom had seen the color it had made him smile, a blue door which didn’t fit in with the otherwise modern and elegant stile of the villa. In a way it was heartwarming and took the sharp impersonal edge of the property that looked like it had jumped out of a house and garden magazine. Tom rang the bell and looked back to make sure Bill was following him. He seemed nervous again, biting his lip with the sharp edge of his crooked front tooth. A buzzing sound indicated that the door was unlocked and Tom pushed it open, aiming his steps through a hallway filled with antiques. On the opposite end another door had opened and Dr. Kircher appeared clad in a brown dress. She greeted the boys entering her house with a smile and a youthful wave that stood in contrast to her otherwise maternal image.

“Bill, what a pleasure to finally meet you!” She said, extending her hand to Bill who looked at her with clear reservation but a smile that just resided on his lips.

“Thank you, nice to meet you” Bill responded using his dazzling media smile on the psychologist. Without even looking Tom knew that Bill was about to hide behind his professionalism, a fact that made him a little sad given that the doctor deserved better than that. Tom just hoped that Bill would give up his mistrust eventually.

If Dr. Kircher detected Bills lack of enthusiasm over their meeting she didn’t show it, leading them into her office where Tom had spent many hours by now. This time he chose the sofa instead of the chair, giving his brother the opportunity to sit right next to him. Bill joined him on the cream leather sofa, sitting so close to Tom that their legs touched despite the fact that there was enough space for a third person on the sofa. Bills behavior made it clear to Tom that he felt uncomfortable, causing Tom to feel a little bit bad for talking Bill into this.  
Tom rummaged through his black messenger bag finally finding the brown journal he took with him to every session.

“Tom, how to you want to proceed? Do you want this to be an ordinary session or do the two of you want to talk about anything in particular?” Dr. Kircher started to clean her glasses on a handkerchief as she waited for Tom to decide today’s agenda.

“I think we want to talk about the memory thing because we found out that we both don’t have any memories before we are nine years old,” Tom explained, the words almost stumbling out of his mouth, eager to share his discovery with someone who could possibly illuminate the dark that was their childhood.

“Interesting! Bill you don’t remember anything either?” She inquired, her sharp but warm gaze now fixated on the younger brother who started fidgeting on his seat before nodding. Having someone probing in his mind wasn’t something Bill enjoyed, he would much rather go to the dentist.

“The weired thing is that we had no memories but on the car ride here I could remember two things, just small snippets though,” Tom interrupted, feeling Bills eyes on him upon the revelation that he had had another memory without saying anything.

Dr. Kircher asked him to describe the memories and the session went on analyzing them. After a while it became clear that those two memories held no significance themselves.

“Anything that seems odd to the both of you regarding those memories?” the doctor asked, looking back and forth between the twins who unconsciously had changed position and sat even closer than before.

Tom just shook his head but Bill nodded, clearly struggling to explain his thoughts.

“They are positive memories, like we were friends back then. I can’t remember that, I only remember hurt, tears and fighting. Tom hated me.”

Bill hadn’t planned on getting emotional but as the words left his mouth his heart clenched and unwelcome tears welled up in his eyes. He tried to keep the emotions at bay but uttering those words dragged all the pain in the light of day. A pain he had tried to forget the past couple of days in order to build a relationship with Tom. 

Tom’s hands were tight fists and he breathed shallowly, trying to not break down in tears as well. He knew fully well that he had hurt Bill countless times and his deepest fear was that he had destroyed them for good, with nothing left to build a friendship on.

“I am so so so sorry”, he whispered, clenching his teeth and shaking his head in remorse.

“I never hated you, I never hated you. I hate myself but I do not hate you. Please forgive me!” Tom turned to face his brother who clearly fought the tears shining in his eyes. Bills lips trembled and he looked even paler than before. Bill averted his eyes, clearly uneasy because of the psychologist witnessing a very private moment.

“I’ll give you two a momen” Dr. Kircher said, leaving her chair and heading for the door as soon as she noticed that she was the source for Bills hesitation.

The door closed behind her with a thud, almost like on a signal the tears began to stream freely down Bills cheeks and even Tom’s eyes couldn’t contain the flood of emotions anymore. In the matter of seconds Tom had his arms full of his sobbing brother, clinging onto him like a little monkey.

Little monkey, the words hiccupped inside of Toms brain a couple of times. He used to call Bill little monkey, way back when they were small. The words left his lips before he could think about it and Bill looked up at him wide eyed. Their eyes locked and Tom was sure that Bill remembered that nickname as well. What the hell had happened to them?


	6. Chapter 6

Dr. Kirchner opened the door the twins sat again next to each other, both sipping on their glasses of water in the exact same way and with the exact same impression on their features. The main feeling was confusion mixed with unease and even a little fear from Bills side. When Tom had called Bill little monkey small snippets of memories had exploded like fireworks in Bills head.

All of those memories featured the twins together: Tom holding Bills hand in a tight grip dragging him along to some bouncing castle; the twins laying in the same bed and Tom calling Bill little monkey when they snuggled closer and fell asleep in each other’s tender embrace. All of them were good memories but somehow Bill couldn’t shake a looming dark feeling. Like a dark and cruel presence right under the surface of these nice memories.

One memory in particular startled and frightened Bill. He remembered a dark blue and shiny bike, a present they got on their birthday. Tom learned to ride fast and without difficulties but the slightly clumsier Bill had a hard time controlling his limbs and holding the balance. As a result he had often scraped knees and elbows from falling of the bike. In this particular memory Bill was sitting on the dirty pavement, gravel on his knees and bloody hands. He had once again fallen of that bike and he tried not to cry but couldn’t help himself. He felt so worthless and angry because he wasn’t able to use the present their dad had given to them. Tom tried to comfort him but failed in his attempts, unable to stop the flow of tears streaming from Bills sad eyes. The moment Tom pressed a kiss to his tear wet cheeks was also the moment their dad appeared in the yard. 

The memory ended there with black nothingness filled with fear and despair. Bill didn’t know why but he was convinced that he had been afraid of his dad that day in this precise moment. Not the childish fear when you knew you did something wrong and were about to face your parents but a bone chilling ice-cold fear, so overwhelming that it enveloped Bill and a chill ran down his spine even though years had passed and he was sitting safely on a sofa in Dr. Kirchners office.

Bill started to shake uncontrollably, not even Toms calming words and caring gestures could make him feel better. Bill couldn’t remember that he had felt that frightened since he was that small child in the yard, looking up at their dad, a tall and muscular figure with angry eyes and hands in fists. Bill tried to tell himself over and over again that there was nothing to be afraid off, that they hadn’t seen or spoken to their dad since their parents got divorced. In the end Bill caved in and gave up his mistrust against the women sitting opposite him, extending tissue after tissue to him with a calm expression on her features. He couldn’t bear this alone so he decided to tell the psychologist what he remembered and about his feelings. She nodded once and a while, listened intently making small noises of comfort when the tears stopped him from carrying on. Tom’s arm around his shoulders was a reassuring weight and slowly he could breathe through the anxiety and fear.

Bill realized that much of his fear consisted of the fear of losing Tom. He looked at his twin over and over again to make sure that he sat right next to him safe and sound. His hands found Toms rougher and bigger ones and he held them in a tight grip, not able to let go. Frightening as the whole experience was for Bill it also was a relief, memories popping up in his head like popcorn in a microwave. With every memory pieces of the wall that Bill had built around him crumbled, freeing his heart and the love he once shared with his big brother and twin. It was a love so deep and fierce he had never experienced something as intense like it since the war between them started. 

The love was unconditional and whole. Bill had loved Tom when he was sweet and caring like the times he pushed him endless hours on the swing just because Bill refused to do it himself. But he loved him just as much the times when Tom had been naughty, steeling Bills dessert or putting a spider into his bed. Bill loved Tom with a runny nose and filthy clothes, his hair disheveled from playing in the woods for hours. He had loved Tom’s smell, the sweet soapy one when they just had a bath after dinner but also the sweaty Tom after bouncing up and down on the bouncing castle at the neighbor’s birthday party.

Bill was baffled by the fact that he could forget something so big and intense like the love they once had shared; a love that once upon a time filled his whole being and had been the center of his world. 

Bills thoughts traveled to the fact that he hadn’t remember the pure fear he felt towards against his own father. He had always felt uncomfortable around the man, always on his guard in case he did something to displease him. He never wondered why their contact to Jörg seized; to him it felt like he was finally able to breathe with Jörg out of the house. Bill had after all his hands full with his twin brother who had tried to make his life as miserable as humanly possible. But the question was why? What happened to their love and friendship?

Tom had taken the lead answering more questions until the session with Dr. Kirchner came to an end while Bill zoned out and tried to sort out his memories and feelings. Both Tom and the psychologist sensed that he needed to think all of it through for himself before he was ready to talk more. After his initial outburst Bill calmed down a little bit and listened with one ear Tom telling about more memories, some of them involving their father and the feeling of unease he had always felt around him.

“Do you remember if he hurt you back then? Physically or emotionally?” Dr. Kirchner asked with a serious expression, her elbows placed on her knees, leaning forward to close the gap between her chair and the sofa they were seated in. Her brown hair had been tucked away in a tidy knot but some strands had come loose during the session. Somehow it made her look warmer and more approachable.

Tom shook his head in response to that question and even Bill drew a blank again. Even though they had been overwhelmed by a flood of memories there were still vital parts of their childhood missing. They didn’t more than scratch the surface of their problems and suppressed memories. When they finally said their goodbyes and left for Saki and the car Bill felt like he was caught in a heavy mist. The thoughts in his head chased each other, leaving so fast that Bill couldn’t hold on to any of them. A longing had resided in his chest, almost like a physical ache for the closeness they once shared and that had gotten lost under mysterious circumstances. 

The ride home was quiet and uneventful. Both Bill and Tom tried to sort their thoughts and feelings out. If Saki noticed the change of behavior he didn’t comment on it. The radio played a soothing foreign melody in the background; the exotic sounds were the only thing that interrupted the silence in the car. Bill wondered briefly if Saki ever was curious about what Tom did at that villa or if he was way too professional for such profound feelings. If that was the case then Bill envied Saki for the restriction because Bills own curiosity always got the better of him. Because of this curiosity Bill had agreed on meeting Dr. Kircher which led to all the confusing, painful and dark feelings that now nestled inside of Bills chest. He still didn’t regret it even though the thought of trusting a complete stranger made him feel uneasy. Bill didn’t even trust Tom to a full extend, not after all that they have been through. It saddened Bill that the complete trust and deep love they once had shared had gotten lost and now they had nothing but broken parts and pieces of it that didn’t fit together because so much was missing or destroyed.

Rationally Bill knew that inside of the man next to him existed still that small boy that once had been his whole world. But the dreadlocked boy with the serious expression on his face was also the same who caused him hurt and pain during the most part of their teenage years. It wasn’t easy for Bill to connect the dots to get a complete picture. Since the memories started to come back Bill experienced a new collection of strange feelings. Months ago he had seen a documentary on TV about people losing their memory but their bodies still remembered how to execute specific movements even though the person didn’t remember them actively. The phenomenon was called muscle memory and Bill believed that he was experiencing some form of it. Even though his brain couldn’t remember everything and he logically still didn’t trust Tom fully his body however seemed to remember Tom’s touches and hugs. In the matter of one day Bill had come to crave Toms embrace because it soothed him like nothing else did. Bill imagined that this muscle memory had been buried and hidden behind the wall he had built around their childhood memories.

The twins still didn’t know why they lost these vital memories but without talking about it in greater detail they both knew that it was connected to their father. Something happened that must have been so awful that they had gotten a trauma which led to the burial of all their childhood memories. It was a frightening thought because the possibilities of what maybe happened were endless , like a deep dark pond filled with mud and slime. Not something they longed to dive into but Bill was convinced that they had to do it in order to figure out what happened and why their relationship turned out the way it was now.

 

Bill knew that Tom made an effort to get to know him and build a relationship but deep down he was still convinced that they only could built something real if they knew the whole truth. Bill glanced over to Tom who seemed to feel his gaze and turned his head to face Bill. A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth and his eyes shone with feelings Bill couldn’t pinpoint. Bill scooted closer, resting his head on Toms shoulder. A gesture that already felt familiar and safe to Bill.

“can I camp over at yours tonight? I don’t want to be alone….after all of this” Bill whispered, biting his lip anxiously. The truth was that he still battled a fear that seemed to have lodged itself deep inside his bones and refused to leave Bill alone. It wasn’t rational but fears never are.

Tom bowed forward, his slightly dry lips touching Bills forehead for a second before he nodded. The kiss had been so fast and soft like a butterfly that landed on someone’s hand just to take off again and fly away. It was an action so unlike the Tom Bill knew, more like the fantasy Tom they had made up all these years ago for the media. Bill used to hate their lie and the pressure it put on them but today he felt a little grateful towards David; a feeling that was very unfamiliar. But if they hadn’t invented their famous relationship then maybe they would have never gotten the chance to discover that something with them wasn’t right and needed to be investigated. 

 

Hours later the twins sat in Tom’s suite, a episode of FRIENDS was playing on the TV but neither of them paid much attention to it. Bill sat on Tom’s bed; his legs folded underneath him Indian style and scribbled something into his journal. Tom sat on a chair one of his favorite guitars on his laps, replacing some strings and checking that everything was alright and ready to use. He always did this when he needed to calm his nerves; the movements of Toms hand on the guitar were as familiar to Bill as life itself. Bill treasured the fact that music had been the one thing that kept them together. If it weren’t for the band maybe they wouldn’t even speak to each other anymore. That thought send a chill down Bills spine but he knew that it wasn’t farfetched. Despite the things they had discovered today years and years of hurt and fighting weighed them down.

“I wonder if mum knows something about all of this.” Tom murmured more to himself than actually addressing his twin but Bill had heard him nonetheless.

“But how can we ask her without telling her the truth about our lies and David’s deception? We have to be careful; if she doesn’t allow us to continue then we could lose the band and everything we worked for.” Bill folded the hem of his shirt absent mindedly while thinking through what Tom had said.

“We can’t risk it. And honestly I don’t know if I want to explain to mum that I have been a complete ass to you whenever I got the chance.” Pain colored Toms voice and regret clouded his features.

Bill sighed, battling the wish to comfort Tom and the righteous feeling that Tom deserved to experience some of the pain he had inflicted on Bill those past years. In the end the longing to erase that hurt expression from Tom’s beautiful eyes won and Bill moved over to give Tom a tight hug. By the way Tom gripped his waist and held him close Bill understood that this hug had been needed more than he initially thought. Bill replaced the guitar on Toms lap, marveling at the perfect way his head fit in the crack of Tom’s neck. Sadness seeped through Bills every pore, finally he was able to mourn the beautiful love they had shared and lost. The thought that their father was somehow responsible for this made it even more unfair.

“I think fate, the universe; the Gods want us to be united. How else can you explain that after all that fighting and hating we were forced to act like we loved each other just so that we could discover that we actually do?” Bill tilted his head and looked intensely at Tom while explaining the thoughts running through his head.

“You…you love me?” Tom asked in a stuttered whisper, his eyes wide like saucers and shining brightly. “Despite…everything?”

Bill nodded slowly thinking through his statement once more. Yes he did love the boy in front of him, despite everything that happend. He still needed to get to know the real Tom better but the glimpses he had seen flooded his being with trust and warmth.

“I think we need to get to know each other. Away from all the fame and the fans. Just you and me.”

Bill rose to his feet, resuming his spot on the unmade bed; the sheets still sprinkled from the night before. After a while Bill felt a bit self-conscious about sitting in his brothers lap even though he liked it very much.

“Hasn’t David said when we got that gold record that we all would get a paid holiday from the record label? Maybe it’s time to make him life up to his promises. We can tell them that we need to get away alone, to charge our batteries.” Tom had left the chair and paced the room, grinning like he just invented sliced bread.

Bill laughed shaking his head about his brother’s crazy idea. But somehow he got the feeling that it could work if they used their acting skills a little.

“We could tell him that I haven’t eaten properly in weeks, you know how afraid he is of my allegedly existing anorexia.” Bill giggled, imagining the face David would make when they told him about this.

Tom jumped onto the bed next to Bill, his head propped up on his arm. For a couple of minutes they talked about where they wanted to go and decided on somewhere warm and secluded. They were interrupted by Bills stomach growling reminding them that it was way past dinner time. Gingerly Tom put a hand on Bills tummy and as if in cue the growling stopped. The twins smiled widely.


	7. Chapter 7

the following days were hectic ones, interviews and TV appearances chased each other followed by work in the studio until the crack of dawn. The boys were used to a busy schedule but the atmosphere around David and the twins had become tense. David was used to getting his orders obeyed directly and bossing around Bill in an unfriendly manner had become a habit of his. Since the twins had rediscovered some memories they backed each other up when it came to their manager and his bad temper. Tom didn’t look away as he had done the past years when David treated Bill badly; instead he made sure David regretted it every time. Why their manager seemed to have a different much stricter set of rules for Bill was anyone’s guess but somehow he had taken advantage of the lonely singer. Now that things had changed between the twins it wasn’t that easy for David to boss them around and manipulate them. Of course he didn’t let any opportunity slip out of his hands when he could get back at the twins in order to restore the power balance.

The boys were sitting around a table in David’s suite, one person of their security entourage stood by the window overlooking the hotels garden. Earlier that day a couple of fans had found their way into the lobby but where quickly removed from there without catching a glimpse of the boys. Finding a way up to their floor was virtually impossible with guards posted at all the entrances to the hallway and elevators. The room felt crowded besides its size and spacious design. Tom looked around the room, trying to connect his gaze to anything. He had felt restless all night; the sleep deprivation didn’t help his anxious state of mind. He couldn’t quite pinpoint what caused the strange feeling inside of him, like a volcano that was ready to erupt any minute. Hi eyes landed on Georg who had found a piece of paper that he folded into tiny squares. Watching the movements of Georgs hand had a calming effect on Tom and he sighed, frustration combined with boredom.

It had been a few days since he last could spend some time with Bill and the lack of closeness and privacy drove him slowly crazy. They were used to having people around all the time but given the situation he and Bill were in it were less than ideal. More memories had popped up lately, nothing significant but still things he wanted to discuss with his little brother. They haven’t had the chance to talk properly for days and besides the fact that he really needed a talk he also missed having Bill close to him physically. He missed the warm weight of Bills body on his chest when they watched a movie together, cuddled up on one of the beds. He liked the way Bills raven hair tickled his nose when he moved and fidgeted, never completely still. Bill always smelled sweet, like strawberries and rain. Tom believed it was a combination of Bills aftershave and shampoo but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t dare to ask either, given that it even under normal circumstances would be a strange question.

In the matter of weeks Tom had become accustomed to the way Bill squeezed his thigh whenever he wanted to catch his attentions. Bills slender fingers were surprisingly strong and always cool, like he was freezing all the time. Sometimes his fingertips even turned blue, a fact that worried Tom at times. Whenever he saw it he took Bills cold fingers into his, breathing warm air onto the cool skin. Tom could tell that Bill appreciated it.

The always perfect singer worked hard for his appearances. When the others got to chill between interviews and performances he had always to redo his makeup and change his clothes, leaving him with almost no time to catch his breath. That was the reason why the twins hadn’t had any chances to talk or simply share a moment or two alone. As Tom followed his train of thought Georg moved from the table towards the kitchen, probably getting himself some coffee. Tom listened to the sounds around him: the fridge humming, one of the guards talking outside the door and the traffic on the street below the window. He ignored David’s voice because he disliked the man more and more by the minute. He saw the way David treated Bill and his big brother instincts roared every time. Somehow deep down he had the feeling that David liked Bill in a more sexual way and he tried to cover it up with being snotty and unfair. But Tom was aware of the way David looked at Bill when he thought no one was paying attention. In these moments there was a hunger displayed in that blue eyes of his that Tom wasn’t comfortable with. Besides the fact that David was years older than Bill and their manager it was just not right that somebody looked like that at his little brother. Tom wasn’t naïve, of course he knew that Bill was the object of countless sexual fantasies but he tried his best to ignore that fact.

Tom worried about Bill as he watched him hurry back and forth in countless dressing rooms. Some days were so busy Bill didn’t get chance to eat some lunch. At the same time the pressure from David and the fans grew, they had to put out more music soon. Now Bill was sitting on the edge of his chair, almost as if he was ready to jump to his feet any minute. David held a monologue about the importance that the G’s talked more in interviews. Tom had zoned out a while ago and started to watch his his brother instead who idly chewed at one nail, his skin pale and bags under his eyes barely hidden by expensive makeup. Bills collarbones stuck out from his black shirt with a white skull print.

“Bill there is a new article in BILD, claiming again they have sources confirming that you in fact have anorexia. Why do I have to see this shit over and over again?” David’s voice boomed, so loud that even the guard at the window turned to look at them. It wasn’t a secret that the BILD would take every opportunity to write lies about the band, especially Bill.

“But I don’t have anorexia, I have told you and the media a thousand times. I don’t know what else to do.” Bill murmured, looking down at his hands as if he was too tired to even faze their managers eyes.

“The only thing I hear from you is excuses, somehow I get the impression you like that sort of attention and fuel it!” David sneered, his eyes cold and his hands in fists. He took a step towards Bill and Tom opened his mouth to say something as a memory crashed down on him like a burning airplane falling from the sky.  
……. …… ……..  
“What are you doing?” Jörg yelled, crossing the yard with wide steps his angry eyes burning with rage. Tom focused his eyes on his father, fear sending a shiver down his spine. He knew he had done something wrong but he hoped that it wasn’t too bad.

“Look daddy, Bill is hurt,” he tried to wake sympathy in his father, trying to get his eyes to look normal again without the coldness and hate he saw in them now.  
Jörg reached out and grabbed Tom by the collar of his blue Spiderman shirt and yanked him upwards, drawing a yelp from the helpless boy.

“I don’t care that he is hurt, what I do care about is the sick and unnatural relationship you two have. I have told you so many times that you two are not normal, freaks of nature. I told you to stay away from your brother. Otherwise you never become a man, you’ll never make me proud!” His face was unnaturally close to Toms, he could see the rash spreading over his dads cheeks, the one he got whenever he shaved.

Tom’s eyes filled with tears and he tried to wiggle out of his dads iron grip with no luck. He heard Bill scream and beg Jörg to let him go while Tom silently prayed that Bill would keep quite. But praying for Bill to be quite was as useless as trying to withstand a storm with only a raincoat. Tom looked down and he froze in shock as he saw Bill punching his dad’s muscular legs with his small fists.

Jörg dropped Tom to his feet and turned to grab Bill by the unruly raven hair. A frightening, almost animal like noise erupted from both the boys simultaneously. Cold fear wrapped itself around Tom’s heart and soul, despair and horror so deep it didn’t match anything he had ever experienced.

“I will teach you a lesson, Tom. After this I hope you never forget that I don’t want you near each other!”

His dad’s words made no sense to Tom, he had heard them so many times before mostly when they were alone with Jörg but he was never able to understand why it was wrong to care for his little brother. He never hurt him; he just wanted Bill to be happy after all Bill was his other half. Right now he had to witness how his better half got dragged away to a nearby bench, screaming and crying while Jörg yanked at Bills hair. Tom ran after them, clinging to his father’s legs begging him to release Bill and hurt him instead. By then he didn’t even care anymore about being hurt all he cared about was get Bill into safety and make his dad stop.

“Watch now son, so that you remember what happens if I see you two like this again!” every harsh word was followed up by the slapping sound of Jörgs hand hitting the bare skin on Bills back, leaving red marks in its wake. Bill had stopped the trashing and screaming, he laid on the bench frozen in shock, his identical spiderman shirt bunched up around his neck. Time seemed to have frozen as Tom watched his father showering his brother with punches and slaps. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get Jörg to stop and the yard was empty, abandoned toys the only witness to that horrific event that no child should experiences ever.

After a couple of minutes Jörg stopped, abandoned Bill on the bench like a broken doll and turned to face Tom. He leaned down to get himself to eyelevel with Tom, his eyes locking with Toms.

“I’ll kill him next time so you freak better watch out,” he whispered, hate coloring his voice. “I never wanted any of this, I wanted a normal boy who likes football not two freaks some live in their own world, depending on each other in that unnatural way.” Without looking back he walked away and left two broken boys in the yard.  
…. …. …..  
“Tom! Tom! Stop it! You’ll kill him for fucks sake!” Georg’s voice reached his ears and snapped him back into the present. He sat on Davids chest, his hands around their managers neck.

The memory had been so vivid Tom could almost feel the salty streaks of tears on his cheeks and the horror squeezing his heart. His body trembled and he removed his shaking hands from David who looked at him wide eyed in pure horror. Tom crawled back as fast as he could into the corner of the room, resting his head on his knees trying to fight the vomit that was threatening to make its way up his throat. His mouth tasted like blood, Tom suspected he had bitten down on his tongue somehow during the time he had been lost in the memory. He couldn’t fight the tears and deep sobs that shook his whole body. His memories were like a maelstrom, drowning his soul in horror and despair. For a moment he was ready to give up, cave in and loose himself into the frightening but tempting darkness. The temptation subsided when he felt slender arms dragging him into a tight embrace, the soothing angelic voice of his brother murmuring words into his ear that he couldn’t comprehend. Bills smell calmed his senses and anchored them into reality. The fact that he had been the one to cause his brother so much pain made his heart clench painfully. If he hadn’t kissed Bill that day on the cheek none of this would have happened. But he was almost an adult now and he knew that he hadn’t done anything wrong, his father had.

Tom could hear David yelling agitated and the G’s talking to him in stern voices and hushed whispers. If it leaked to the press that Tom had attacked David their careers would be over. Right now Tom couldn’t focus on that, all he could repeat in his mind was the fact that Bill was safe while he pressed his face against Bills chest as hard as he could. Bill petted his dreads lovingly and the slow rising and falling of Bills chest had a calming effect on Toms raging emotions. After a couple of minutes he had gathered so much composure that he could look up, facing the situation he had caused.

“I am sorry,” Tom whispered in a hoarse voice, still colored by the tears cried in his brother’s arms.

David nodded slowly, meeting Tom’s sad eyes. “Why?” He asked, showing an honest curiosity despite the awful situation.  
“Because I need to protect him. I will never ever let anyone hurt him or treat him badly. I’d rather die than see him in pain one more time!” Tom explained his feelings in a low whisper but the silence that followed proofed that they were as intense if he had shouted them.

The G’s exchanged worried glances and David started to pace the room restlessly. Tom looked up at Bill whose eyes shone bright with unshed tears. His raven hair framed his pale face, chestnut eyes and red plush lips. Right then and there Tom knew that he would never see another person that could match his twin in beauty, on the outside and on the inside. But he was ok with that as long as was able to protect that angel now staring down at him. Tom surrendered to the feeling inside of him and the knowledge that he would never be able to love another person as intensely and fiercely as he loved his little brother. Bill bowed forward, ignoring the G’s questions what happened and David’s low muttered curses and connected his warm lips for a brief second with Toms trembling ones. It was brief as a falling star, almost too fast to make your wish. But it was a confirmation of their bond, their birthright that their father tried to take away from them.

Somehow Tom was sure that Bill felt that he now remembered what happened. With a little smile that was only for him Bill warmed the frightened and cold core of his soul, were the memories of that day had been hidden. Without hesitation Bill took charge, explained in short sentences about their memory loss, the psychologist and the rediscovery of memories. Bill stepped up at the moment Tom needed it the most and told their manager that things had to change if he wanted them to continue. He insisted on a vacation for all of them, a vacation that the twins would spend alone. The shocked David agreed to all Bills demands, momentarily afraid that he would as well lose everything he had worked for. While Bill laid out the way he wanted things from now on to be with support of the G’s , Tom was laying in his brothers lap, his eyes closed and content with the fact that his little brother was saving him, was saving them both.


	8. Chapter 8

Bill pouted and readjusted the dark Ray Ban sunglasses once again. He was standing inside the lobby of a fancy hotel, all golden details and marble desks. Exotic flowers and giant fruit baskets spread a sweet scent that combined with the blistering sun and heat was almost too much for Bill. Bill didn’t like the cold but uncomfortable heat had also its down sides mainly because shorts weren’t very fashionable. That’s why Bill was wearing tight denim jeans and sneakers despite the warmth. But Bill would rather be caught dead than wearing sandals or flip flops. He watched Tom go through the check in procedure, chewing on his lip and moving his suitcase back and forth to fight the boredom. Other tourists that entered the hotel stopped and looked around in awe but the famous singer had long ago lost interest in fancy hotels. Nowadays he spent more time in hotels than at home. But this vacation he had looked forward to in a while now, since his brother had a breakdown and tried to choke David. He didn’t feel sorry for their manager, he had treated them badly for a couple of years and Bill had been very satisfied to see the fear in David’s eyes.

Bill watched Tom signing some papers and received what seemed to be two key cards for their rooms. Tom nodded and gave a short wave to the man at the desk before he gathered his things and looked around the room to spot Bill. As soon as his eyes connected with similar brown ones just a few feet away he approached Bill in fast steps.

“Here is your key, its room 255” Tom announced, extending the ivory chip card with the golden letters to him.

“Thanks, whats your room number?” Bill inquired, stepping from one foot to the other in an effort to ease the discomfort he felt because of the warm sun.

“Erm, the same actually. The label booked two single rooms but the friendly staff here explained that they had a small cottage available, and it would cost the same if we take that instead. That way we have more room, even an own pool. I thought it sounded like a great offer and I took it.” A blush crept from Toms neck to his cheeks, highlighting his glistening brown eyes.

Bill furrowed his brows, mainly thrown off track by his brother’s unusual behavior. Tom blushed and fidgeted like he felt nervous or embarrassed but Bill couldn’t see why Tom would feel that way.

“Great!” He clapped his hands and took the key card, smiling at his brother who still stood glued to the ground.

“I don’t know about you but I need to get changed and get some rest,” Bill yelled while looking back at Tom while dragging his suitcase to the back entrance where he had spotted an arrow pointing them into the direction the cottages were.

The twins left the hotel building and slowly wandered on a small path of sandstone laid out in the gigantic hotel garden. Everywhere they could spot palm trees, slowly swaying in the warm breeze and glimpses of blue now and again, both from several pool areas and the ocean. Exotic flowers were scattered around the whole area, and their scent hung in the air. Out in the open Bill didn’t mind the scent; he rather enjoyed it combined with a fresh ocean breeze.

After a couple of minutes they arrived at their small two bedroom cottage. It was designed to fit nicely into the hotels overall nature and luxury theme, with colors that mimicked the surroundings in a soothing way. The twins entered the small house and were greeted by cool fresh air.

Bill sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. Fashion was important to him but even he regretted to have chosen that outfit. Who else took a vacation on the Maldives wearing autumn clothes? He tried to dry his sweaty forehead and abandoned the suitcase in the tiny hallway. red strawberries. The living room was dominated by a large grey sofa and several white chairs. A giant television promised that they at least wouldn’t have to go out party all the time to not get bored. Bill did even see a PS3 and he smiled knowing that Tom would like that a lot.

When he continued his expedition into the next room he haltered in his steps. The room was designed with one purpose and one purpose only: to be romantic. Bill had never seen a bed that big with an odd shape, almost like an oval. Ivory sheets covered it and rose pedals were thrown on every surface. Candles stood here and there, a romantic quote covering the wall behind the bed.

“Toooooooom….!” Bill yelled, shaking his head in surprise and erupting into low giggles. This was just hilarious and by the time Tom arrived next to him Bill laughed wholeheartedly.

“Look….look at where we going to sleep!” Bill exclaimed, his hand pressed to his mouth to stop the laughter. He took some deep breaths but his composure faltered at the shocked expression on Toms face.

“What the hell….!” The elder twin murmured, shaking his head in a similar fashion as Bill had done just seconds ago. “Why?” He asked bewildered.

“To inspire people to make babies of course…” Bill answered, grinning widely and swaying his hips back and forth, mimicking a couple of very naughty movements.

Bill threw himself onto the oval bed, messing up the neatly made up sheets. He still laughed uncontrollably, his hands placed on his stomach and his raven hair surrounding his now blushed face. Bill had such a laugh flash that he had a hard time breathing properly but still unable to stop himself. Bill could feel Toms eyes on him as he struggled to stop the laughing and getting enough air. It took only a second until Tom was by his side, cupping his heated cheeks with his long muscular fingers, gazing down on him with a serious expression.

“Calm down, Bill. You know that you are going to hyperventilate if you don’t,” Tom said, his arms protectively slung around the younger ones shoulders.

Bill knew that Tom was right and that he was on the verge of hyperventilating. It always happened when he got really excited or couldn’t stop laughing. Somehow he managed to get himself into a frenzy which led to breathing problems. One time when they were about 11 years old he turned blue and was rushed to a hospital. An experience he wasn’t keen on reliving. That’s why Bill tried to breathe calm and controlled, while returning Toms steady gaze like his brothers eyes were small anchors. It took only a couple of minutes to calm down and breathe right but Bill enjoyed laying on the bed far too much to actually get up and change as he had intended to do. 

He sighed contently, knowing that they hadn’t any appointments or anywhere to be. Bill caught one of his brother’s dreads between his fingers, caressing the thick strands of blond hair that he secretly loved. Tom didn’t move either, just stayed by Bills side, his arm still holding Bill in a loose embrace.

Now and then Bill could feel Tom’s warm breath on his face and he smiled lightly. For the first time in a long while he felt safe, secure and protected. Finally he felt a slither of hope that they could actually make it, that there was a chance to get back the relationship they once had. As Bill opened his eyes again and looked at his brother’s content face he could almost see the small boy he once had been. Right there and then Bill realized that Tom had tried to protect him the best way he knew how even if it meant being mean and fight all the time. Bill guessed that Tom in the beginning didn’t want to take chances in case their father came back and later the memories just slipped away.

“Do you think you started being so awful to me because you were afraid of Dad?” Tom opened his eyes in surprise to Bills question, the look on his face changed from content to troubled.

“I guess so; I still don’t have all the memories. I just know that I didn’t do it to hurt you. There was so much fear; I couldn’t bear to see you get beaten up ever again.” Tom tried to turn away from Bill as if he felt uncomfortable talking about what happened to them with Bill eyes on him.

But Bill didn’t let him, his slender hands around Toms face prevented his brother from turning away.

“I forgive you, you know. For everything, every bad word you said to me, every time you hurt me. It doesn’t matter anymore, what matters is that we are here now and that we love each other. Please never leave me again,” Bill was surprised by the suppressed sob that came from his throat along with some stray tears.

Inside of Bill there was still the fear that Tom would leave him again and right now he couldn’t imagine anything worse. The saltiness of his tears mixed with the earthy and somehow masculine taste that was his brother, as Tom pressed his lips against Bills trembling ones in a brief innocent kiss. It was just like the kisses they exchanged as small kids, kisses that eventually led to years of misery and sorrow. Despite that or even because of that Bill would never allow anyone ever again to comment on their relationship. If the people found them strange, freaks of nature like his father thought then they all could go to hell. 

There was so much hatred in the world and Bill wondered why people like his father thought their love was unnatural and wrong. They had never hurt anybody with their affection towards each other, unlike the man who accused them of being disgusting freaks. How could it be considered wrong when two people cared for each other, supported each other and loved each other? People always told them that they shouldn’t be so dependent on each other, that someday they would find themselves alone. But it was these same people who had ripped their lives apart, sending them alone into a world of struggle and sadness.

Tom moved into an upright position, ready to leave the bed to possibly change his sweaty clothes. It had been a long and tiring flight and Bills stomach started to crave food. He just hated airplane meals and hadn’t touched the bland mixture of mashed potatoes and veggies in a greyish sauce they were offered as lunch.

Bill sat upright in a split second, throwing his arms from behind around his brother’s neck. He pressed his face into that sweet spot right at the juncture of Tom’s neck and shoulder, a spot that smelled intensely Tom.

“What are you doing little monkey?” Tom teased, acting annoyed big brother. Tom’s hands that found Bills and caressed his palms softly betrayed Toms acting skills. He sat motionless on the spot until Bill finally released him, sighing frustrated because they had to shower and get dinner.

The sun colored the walls of the small cottage orange like a raging fire and through the window the ocean could be seen, bathing in that otherworldly beautiful light. The light of the sunset was soft and warm, taking the edge of all the things surrounding the twins. The rose pedals on the bed all of a sudden didn’t seem weird at all and Bill could easily see why the room was designed the way it was. Bill looked around, soaking in the scenery aware of the fact that he probably hadn’t seen anything more romantic. He should be sad that he experienced this moment with his brother and not with a girlfriend but somehow he wasn’t. Bill didn’t feel disappointed or wished someone else to be by his side. He realized that the person standing hunched over their bags to find some clothes was exactly the person he wanted to experience this moment with.

Tom never saw the wide smile on Bills face but as Bill passed him by on his way to the shower he touched Toms back lovingly, hoping that his brother would know that he meant the world to him.

A few hours later sat the twins in a secluded area at the hotel restaurant. Apparently had the label talked to the hotel owners to provide extended privacy to these famous guests. It had been a struggle to convince both their manager and their mum that they didn’t need security at a remote island where few people had ever heard of Tokio Hotel. After endless talks they agreed on letting the twins travel alone, something they both needed.

Bill stared down on his spoon filled with strawberry panna cotta, contemplating if he could indeed eat one more spoon of this heavenly desert. Dinner had been really good, the vegetarian alternatives all well cooked and delicious.

“When we leave this place I am going to be so fat,” Bill whined, furrowing his brows but still putting the sweet creamy dessert into his mouth.

Tom looked up from his dessert choice, a lemon cake with raspberry frosting, shaking his head in disbelieve. The twins could hear the noises from the public part of the restaurant but they sat in a small closed booth, preventing them from being seen and heard during their dinner.

“You are never going to be fat, and besides even if you would get fat, who cares.” Tom shrugged, indicating that he was done with the subject by diving into his cake again. Bill however demanded his attention again.

“You would still like me when I am fat?” He asked, his voice colored by a childlike innocence and naïve fear at the same time. He grabbed the hem of his red shirt and dragged it upwards as if to inspect that he hadn’t gained 30 pounds the last hour. When he looked down he saw nothing but a flat belly and his star tattoo under a prominent hipbone.

Tom sighed and Bill was afraid that his brother would decide to ignore him altogether but in the end Tom put his spoon down and folded his hands.

“That is an odd question Bill. You know I like you no matter what you look like. Your appearance doesn’t matter to me.” Bill looked back and forth between his still exposed upper body and his brother who wore a look of slight annoyance at Bills choice of conversation topic. Bill knew that Tom sometimes thought he was too obsessed with his styling and his looks and he felt bad for bringing it up. But he couldn’t stop himself from asking another question.

“Does that mean you don’t find me beautiful or attractive?” Bill asked, his voice almost drowning at the end of the sentence. He knew he was behaving irrationally, demanding weird answers from his brother to satisfy some strange need deep inside of him. The need to be always perfect and admired by everyone had always been inside of him but was obviously enhanced by their lifestyle.

Tom didn’t answer for some time and Bill kept his eyes fixated on the leftovers from his dessert. He knew that he had been way out of line with that question and he suspected that Tom was mad at him, rightfully so. But when Bill finally lifted his eyes he couldn’t see anger or annoyance on his brothers face just a thoughtful expression.

“I think you are beautiful. But not just because of your intense eyes or soft lips but mainly because you are beautiful on the inside. So no matter how your appearances change you will always be beautiful to me. Maybe that’s narcissistic,” Tom concluded, lowering his head.  
Silence stretched between them after Toms emotional answer.

“If you ever tell the G’s I said that then you gonna regret it,” Tom threatened jokingly, to break the silence.

“Hmmm if I tell the G’s then what? What are you going to do to me?” Bill answered, his voice all of a sudden a low husky whisper. Bill knew that he acted flirtatious but couldn’t stop himself either.

They were both saved from an answer to that question as the curtains to their booth were dragged aside and a waiter took their plates and asked if they wanted anything else to drink. They simultaneously shook their heads, their minds preoccupied what the answer might have been.


	9. Chapter 9

the rest of the evening went quietly. The twins were wrapped up in their own thoughts, only partially watching the movie Tom had chosen for the evening. Neither of them felt the need to go out to party, too much had happened the last couple of weeks. They needed this break to gather their thoughts and sort through the mess they had created.

The longing for physical closeness had edged itself deep into the twin’s souls. They sat curled up on the sofa, embracing each other lovingly while they tried not to read too much into this new development. They had already so much to deal with; they simply ignored the fact that they spend the nights tightly pressed against each other, limbs and hands entwined. They also ignored that the time between exchanged kisses got shorter and shorter while their kisses became deeper and longer.

The next day the boys were hanging out by the pool which they both enjoyed even though Tom had to convince an apprehensive Bill at first. Water was just not his natural element but after a while Bill learned to enjoy the freshness of the cool water on his warm skin and the fun he had teasing Tom by getting his beloved dreads wet. Bill was just about to scoop up some water to pour it down his brother’s head. Tom would be furious because it took hours for him to dry his hair. Tom never saw Bill coming and squealed in outrage as cool water ran down his head and spine. He spun around just to see Bill grinning and wiggling his eyebrows. The revenge was immediate; Bill couldn’t even catch his breath until he was pressed under water by Tom’s stronger arms. He flailed but got nowhere with his efforts to free himself. Bill swallowed some water by mistake and started to hiccup uncontrollably just as Tom dragged him to the surface again.

Bills eyes were red and poufy from his efforts to keep them open in the pool water. His black hair hung lifeless down his slim shoulders and his whole upper body shook in hiccups. An expression of guilt crossed Toms eyes. 

Bill looked like a drowned cat and Tom felt bad about reacting so harshly despite the fact that he knew about Bills dislike of water. Bill wasn’t a good swimmer either so naturally he had no idea how to avoid swallowing water. Tom waded through the water approaching his little brother who leaned against the pool edge to catch his breath. Bill had his arms wrapped around himself despite the warm breeze. As he got closer Tom spotted goose bumps all over Bills torso and his fingers seemed slightly blue and trembling.

“I am sorry, little monkey,” Tom whispered when they were just a few inches apart.  
The urge to touch Bills ivory skin overwhelmed Tom and he put a hand on Bills shoulder, feeling goosebumps and cold wet skin under his fingertips. Bill didn’t flinch or react in any way so Tom dared to step even closer, their belly’s touching under the water. All of a sudden Tom couldn’t drag his eyes away from Bills lips, plush and red, wet and slightly trembling they looked far too inviting. Tom fingertips explored Bills slender shoulders and his collarbone. He connected his lips with Bills, capturing Bills bottom lip between his own. The small noise that erupted from Bills throat was enough conformation for Tom and he slowly let the tip of his tongue glide along Bills bottom lip. He cautiously dipped the tip of his tongue in the warmth of Bills mouth, exploring the sweetness that waited for him there. 

Tom couldn’t stop himself and pushed his tongue further into Bills compliant mouth, edged on by the firework of feelings and sensations. Bill kissed him back, slowly and with kitten like licks that tightened Toms groin in the matter of seconds.

Tom pressed himself against Bill, every thought about morals pushed into the back of his head. There was a throbbing need spreading itself from the deepest and darkest parts of his soul through his entire body and resided between his legs. Their breathing grew ragged as Tom focused his attention on rubbing their needy parts against each other. Bills cheeks were flushed bright red and his eyes wide like saucers, dark and colored with lust. This look was the reason Tom kept going, his kisses became rougher, more demanding until he almost devoured his brother. He felt how he pushed Bill against the edge of the pool with every thrust of his swimming trunk clad body against Bills. They needed more friction and Tom lifted Bill up with one swift motion. Bill yelped in surprise and anchored himself by wrapping his legs once again around Tom’s middle. With a small adjustment in their position Tom drew a elicit moan from Bill as they pressed against each other. Tom groaned as Bill started to move in rocking motions, slowly driving him insane. After one rough thrust he saw Bills body tense up, his eyes wide and unfocused as he groaned Tom’s name. The thought that he just made his brother cum send Tom over the edge as well.

The adrenaline floading through Toms body kept the thoughts at bay for a couple of blissfull seconds until the extent of what they just had done came crashing down on him. Bill eyes glistened in what Tom believed were unshed tears and his bottom lip trembled. 

Tom took three deep breaths, trying to chase the weird feeling inside of his stomach away. He had never wanted to hurt Bill but yet again he had made his brother sad, dragged him into something forbidden and freakish.

“I guess Dad was right all along, we are freaks of nature. Just look at what we did,” remorse colored Bills voice and he gestured towards the remnants of their interplay still visible on their swimming trunks.  
Tom shook his head so furiously that his wet dreads were slung here and there, like thick blond ropes.

“No, don’t say that; don’t ever say that he was right. He hurt you and there is no excuse for that.” Tom approached Bill again, pulling at his brother’s arm more forcefully then intended. 

Their torsos crashed together and Bill yelped at the sudden unexpected movement. The shaking that had taken over his body subsided when Tom put his arms around him, pressing his forehead against Bills moist one.

“I am sorry if I hurt you, little monkey. Please forgive me, I never meant to cause you harm or drag you into something that you don’t want.” Toms breathing had become erratic, his heart beat painfully against his ribcage making it hard to focus on anything else than the pure horror inside of him that he had hurt his brother again even though he promised not to. Rationally he knew that Bill had been a part of what happened but there was still this little voice inside of his head accusing him of taking advantage of his little brother.

“I am not hurt Tom!” Bill replied, surprise evident on his delicate features.

“I am just confused; I know should feel bad about this because this is wrong in so many ways, even illegal but if so why does it feel so right?” Bill frowned, confusion and anxiety darkening his otherwise chestnut colored eyes. The breeze drifting in from the ocean made them shiver simultaneously even though the air was warm and humid. Tom leaned forward and pressed his lips against Bills plush ones, a loving and tender kiss that lacked the heat and the passion of the previous ones.

“I don’t know. All I know is that I love you, and that it gets more intense every day that passes. I want to kiss you, touch you and be with you in every way possible.” Tom blushed at that confession, surprised by his own honesty.

“I know me too,” Bill whispered, caressing Tom’s cheeks with his fingertips. They both sighed and intertwined their hands, as if the world would break them apart as soon as they let go. They stood unmoving for a long time as the sun travelled across the sky and the water cooled down around them. Even though they shivered from time to time and their skin had long ago errupted into goose bumps they didn’t abandon their position. They hardly talked, just exchanged small kisses now and again, totally oblivious to the time passing.

Finally Tom let go of Bills now cold hands as he detected that his brothers lips had turned blue, a worrying sight in Bills pale face. He motioned Bill to follow him as he climbed up the stairs to exit the pool and pick up a pair of towel’s that he had dropped onto the ground earlier this afternoon. The towels were thick, white and soft and Tom didn’t hesitate before draping one of them over Bills slender shoulders. He rubbed up and down Bills arms for a while before he finally picked up a towel for himself. Bill looked again like a drowned cat, wet hair hanging lifeless from his head and his shoulders hunched. His whole being virtually screamed after being pitied and taken care off and Tom chuckled lowly because he knew how much Bill liked it when he made fuzz over him.  
So he ushered his little brother urgently inside, urged him to put on some clothes and proceeded to fetch a bottle of water from the fridge which he planned on giving to Bill.

Tom passed the kitchen counter on his way back to Bill where he had mindlessly abandoned his phone in the morning. Without appointments due and music to work on the twins both agreed not to look into their mails and listen to their voice messages more than necessary. But curiosity got the better of Tom as he saw the screen lit up indicating that he had received an email from his psychologist. Tom furrowed his brow at the unusual sight, until now they had only communicated in person or on the phone when he booked an appointment.

Tom tapped the screen with his index finger, the bottle of water he had fetched for Bill forgotten in his right hand. He read through the contents in concentration for a while before he lifted his head.

“Bill?” Tom shouted into the bedroom and was rewarded with Bills head peeking out from the bedroom.

“Can you come for a second?” Tom asked, his voice sounding more urgent than he had intended to.

“Just give me a second, I am changing and don’t have any clothes on yet,” Bill replied and his head disappeared, probably to put some clothes on, and left Tom alone in the kitchen with his brain conjuring up image after image of a naked Bill.

Only a couple of minutes later Bill emerged from the bedroom, wearing grey sweat pants which hung low on his hips and a faded green shirt.

“What’s up?” Bill asked curious, but didn’t get an answer from his brother who stared with unfocused eyes through the window.

“Earth to major Tom,” Bill joked when he hadn’t gotten answer after a while.  
Tom blinked several times and his eyes focused back on Bill.

“What were you thinking?” Bill inquired and shook his head. The question sent a blush from Tom’s neck to his cheeks until he pretty much looked like a ripe tomato.

“Nooooothing…” Tom answered, trying to use his innocent look on Bill; a look that hasn’t fooled anyone in ages.

But before Bill could ask more questions why Tom behaved oddly he had gathered his wits and told Bill that Dr. Kircher had been in touch with an interesting proposal. The email Tom had gotten contained a suggestion on how they might be able to retrieve their memories fully. According to Dr. Kircher it was highly common to use hypnosis to retrieve lost memories especially if the memories were lost due to a psychological trauma. Both him and Bill could get their memories back if they agreed on trying this technique with her.

Tom hadn’t even read halfway through the mail as Bill started to shake his head furiously.

“No! No way! I will never agree to that! No!” Bills upset voice replaced Toms monotone reading voice.

“But Bill, it might be the only way to get all our memories back?” Tom was seriously surprised at his brothers vehement reaction even though he should have been able to figure that out given his brothers general trust issues.

“Why do you even want them back? They are just horrible, I feel it.” Bill whispered, rubbing his eyes with one hand.

“But all the good ones, Bill? Dont you want them back?” Tom asked, his tone serious, urging his brother to think about this before dismissing it out of fear for the bad memories.

Tom felt that he had a right to get these memories back because they were his even if there were some bad ones. But he understood his brother’s hesitation, given how bad the negative memories had frightend his brother for days not to speak of his own breakdown.

“I just want to focus on the future not the past. On us, and this new thing between us. Please!” Bill pleaded, his voice filled with emotion. His hands trembled and he hunched his shoulders as if he tried to become invisible. Tom sighed disappointed, knowing that he would never go against his brothers wishes and retrieve his memories. Not even alone, because it would feel like a betrayal on Bill. He had hurt his brother so much during the last years Tom would spend the rest of his life to make it up to him in any way possible.

Tom reached out to take Bills shaking fingers and pressed them gentle and reassuringly.

“We don’t need to do anything. If you don’t want to delve deeper into this then we don’t, it is easy as that.” Tom tried to take the fear from his brother by stroking the palm of Bills hand lovingly.

Bill stepped forward and buried his head on his big brothers shoulder, inhaling Tom’s scent that he now associated with love, security and comfort. It was astonishing how their relationship to one another had changed since they had discovered what happened and why they were constantly fighting.

Tom pressed a gentle kiss to Bills forehead, silently stroking his back and hugging him tight.

“You know that I would do anything for you? Even take you to the stars if that would make you happy,” Tom smiled at himself and the cheesiness of his comment. But despite the romantic chick flick line he did mean every single word.

“You are mine now,” Bill said, it was not a question but a statement and Tom nodded in agreement. He was indeed Bills and Bill was his from now on until the end of time.


End file.
